23, All Bark, No Bite, and a Little Late

Welcome to my fourth annual birthday blog! Today’s guest speakers are Angst (per usual), the crowd favorite: Cynicism, and of course the pot stirrer: Nostalgia with musical guest the goody-two-shoe herself, Gratitude!

Wow, I hated that just as much as you did, but I had to open it some way, and a cheesy and very honest opening seemed fitting.  

1.      I have come to peace knowing some students don’t like me.

In fact, the biggest take-away from this year has been learning the goodness in that. I am now glad if a student who is disrespectful to me or others doesn’t like me. I am now happy for that tension. I came to this realization: I don’t want people who lie, cheat, and show disrespect to like me. The tension is healthy. In their dislike, maybe they will have to wrestle with why they don’t like me. And maybe they will realize they don’t like me because I don’t allow them to cheat, lie, and disrespect others;  maybe they’ll realize what they really don’t like is that part of themselves; maybe I’m just their morality bounce board,  and it doesn’t stick. If they liked me, then I’m condoning that behavior. And maybe, just maybe, deep down they'll realize they are longing for boundaries, as all humans are, to be told right and wrong—the Ultimate Truth.

2.      I love my dog’s breath.

I tried to look up some scientific reasons, a sort of comfort in numbers. Nope.  I’m alone on this one. Instead, I found a generous amount of websites on dog hygiene and a larger number of people concerned with their dogs’ breath smelling like poop. So, at least Valentina just smells like kibbles.

3.      I believe the negative more easily than the positive.

As humans, we take pretty easily to the negative. The negative has to be true and the positive is has to be false. We see this in how information and situations affect us—the nativeity bias, the notion that, even when of equal intensity, things of a more negative nature… have a greater effect on one's psychological state and processes than neutral or positive things. Why?

4.       I have forgotten my phone at home so many times, and I count that as success.

5.       I own salt and pepper shakers (set).

I don’t feel like an adult, too much. I am twenty-three, but it still feel like a teenager who has been given way too much freedom. However, there are little moments I feel like an adult and those moments look like payday, when I get my dog vaccinated, getting my eyebrows waxed, and owning a set of [official] salt and pepper shakers.

This is the set I own.

6.      Forgiveness.

It took twenty-two years to finally learn this lesson. Hopefully, by sharing this others may benefit earlier than later. My therapist asked me why I didn’t want to forgive two people who hurt my sister and me when I was younger. The point isn’t what they did, so without detail just trust they created large wounds. I told my therapist I didn’t want to forgive them because deep down I believed that if I forgave them, their sins would have no weight, their sins would not be so hurtful. I thought if I forgave them, all their pain wouldn’t mean as much—as if my forgiveness (or lack thereof) determined how hurtful their actions were. My therapist assured me that forgiveness is not a synonym for condoning, allowing, or excusing. I told her how I felt like forgiving these two people would let them off the hook for what they did. She told me that my forgiveness does not take away their sins, nor does my lack of forgiveness make what they did worse. My forgiveness was for my benefit—a healthier relationship with God and others.

7.       I’ve been off of Instagram for half a year.

This has been one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I’ve regained a sense of privacy and confidence. I’m doing things because I want to do them and without any affirmation. I don’t care how I look doing them; I don’t care how anything looks. I just do it.

8.       Last year taught me the importance of focus. This year I’m preparing my heart for Him.

Twenty-two years old was a fine mingling of letting go and holding on. It wasn’t just important to focus on God and His Kingdom, it was survival.

9.       Less impressed with healing.

I’ve become less impressed with healing stories. We’ve heard this before: I was suffering. I was angry with God. I called out to Him, “Why did you let this happen?” Some time after, God took away my suffering. And now I’m happy again.

Now, before I explain myself, I need to make it clear: I am genuinely in awe when God heals. What doesn’t impress me are complaining people who are satisfied when everything turns out okay.

The people who impress me are the sufferers who gain no healing or even a hope from a solid diagnosis, the people who don’t get that second chance, the ones who never marry, the people who experience hell and never see the metaphorical ribbon tied on their own happy ending… and yet. I call them “Yet People.” And yet, they never cease praise. They get angry because they are human, but their joy does not dependent on their circumstances.

God will heal whomever He chooses for His glory and for His kingdom, and it may or may not benefit us. If we could just look past our own temporary lives on earth to understand that we get to be a piece in this whole redemptive story, we would find joy in all circumstances.

10.   Busy is not successful.

If successful is achieving a goal. You can be successful at relaxing (which I’m not).

11.   I’m part of the AB+ club.

This happened in this order. I donated blood. I got a very gnarly bruise. I found out my blood type is AB+ (not related to my type of men, you are not limited to dating similar blood type, common misconception.) I also found out, one receives a card AND acceptance into a group I didn’t even know exists called, “AB+ Club.” Yes, I do feel really cool.

12.   Post college rocks, both in “its like really fun” and “holy shit, it’s super unstable.”

In high school, I was a figuring out who I am in Christ. In college, I was figuring out who Christ is in me. I would describe high school and college as sprints on a track. Constant changes—full speed, break, full speed, break—hard to get off track. Post college is a marathon—steady and difficult with constant mile markers to make sure you’re going the right way.

Signing for my first career, you know the kind with insurance, paid time off, and stuff. 

13.   The courage to be disliked.

There’s not much to elaborate on this. I think it takes courage to be disliked. In a world saturated by likes, hearts, and digital affirmation, not being liked is a fear of many. Being disliked for the right reasons isn’t a new concept, just something I’ve learned this year. As a Christian, I have to take up my cross. In the United States, that doesn’t look too damning, but it looks uncomfortable; that’s a significantly small price to pay.

14.   “What ifs” can be just as much positive as negative.

When your mind is tumbling over every situation that could evolve, don’t forget the positive “what ifs.”

15.  I am at a default setting: rejecting any good in me.

I’ve been known to admit to the worst of myself. I’m very self-aware; therefore, my sinfulness is no stranger to me. I am close to my shortcomings, aware of my flaws and failures. Not to be confused with low self-esteem, I simply know [very well] my sin and need for a Savor. Sounds humble, but like mentioned in a lot of my writing, humility is recognizing both shortcomings and strengths. Cut to Lewis, “Humility is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less.” So, why do I recognize and see the negative as true, but the positive as a pseudo-self?

            For me personally, I know God to be the source of ultimate good. That anything pleasing and good comes from Him. Deep down, if I were to be honest, I feel that any good in me is a mockery, literally, “an absurd misrepresentation or imitation of something,” as if any good in me is an absurd misrepresentation of Christ. And in fact, I am; further, we’re called to be. We are alabaster jars, broken, trying to hold and overflow the goodness of God in us. This truth is neither bound to the binary “good or bad” but rather the thing that breaks all labels, Holy. It that truth, we are humbled, forgiven, and loved, not to brag about the good and keep it, but to further the good unto others.

            And, for me, I need that as a daily reminder.

16.   I’ve lived alone for six months.

Similar to Instagram, one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I’ve regained a healthy sense of privacy and confidence. I have danced so hard while getting ready for work that I hit my knee cap so hard it bruised and bled. I have left dirty dishes in the sink, only to clean them the next day, and I haven’t missed a payment for any bills. I have learned roommates teach you compromise and solo teaches you ownership.

17.   Being kind to yourself is not selfish or a fad. It’s healthy and Godly.

My boyfriend called me out on this. He said I speak harsh words to myself. I realized if he noticed this, others did, too. It wasn’t Godly or healthy. This doesn’t mean I need to spend more time on myself, this means I need to be kind to ALL of God’s creations, including myself and not feel guilty.

18.   Panda express is overrated.

19.   Being a young, adult with few responsibilities is an awkward phase.

One moment, you’re filling your salt and pepper shakers and treating your dog’s butt rash feeling like you’ve reached adulthood. The next moment, you’re driving your best friend around on Christmas Eve playing Taylor Swift as loud as you can as a drive by attempt to heal from a boy’s painful decisions.

20.   Dating shouldn’t be hard.

I’ve been dating my best friend for about six months now. It’s taken a few failed relationships for me to get to this point. I can confidently say, dating should be such a joy. It should bring you closer to God. It should leave you happy and growing more often than frustrated and defeated.  It should be easy and not full of tension... simply and it should be fun.  What I mean, of course, when I say "easy" is that when there is tension, it should be easy (natural) to want to fix things. There should be excitement to fix it rather than resentment.

Connor and I at 3 a.m. in a tent at The Great Smokeys National Park. 

21.   Sexy is not a sin.

It’s been a long time coming. I was hurt as a child, and this hurt kept me from wanting to feel pretty or even attractive. I can say confidently, feeling sexy is not a sin.

New Years Eve, wearing lip-stain; it's different than lipstick, this I found out.

22.   We’re always at different places.

One lesson I continued to learn this year: understanding that people are always at different places. One person could be mature in one way and growing in another. These two categories would be switched for another person. The most important thing to remember is pain is real for everyone. Even if that looks silly to you, or maybe it doesn’t quite compare to your pain. Breakups are painful, even if you’re married and don’t relate. Your children being sick is incredibly hard, even if you don’t have kids and don’t relate. Pain is universal, but so is understanding.

23.   Let relationships change.

You’ll ruin a relationship if you fight against its natural change. Treasure what your relationships are becoming instead of longing for what they were.

And… for the flash facts!

• a.       I am enneagram four. That just means I’m both parts disappointed that there are others like me, and excited I’m finally understood
• b.       I’m dating the most incredible man of God. He’s tender-hearted, gentle, patient, and wise. 10/10 recommend dating your best friend.
• c.       I love Ramen.
• d.       Community is one of the best written shows I’ve seen in a long time. Sad it took me so long.
• e.       I’m going to my first OBGYN appointment, and after I played Ke$ha “Woman.”
• f.        My dog is one of my closest female friends in Tulsa. Priorities. Oh, and I have a dog sitter I pay with craft beer. Oh, and we have matching winter jackets. 

Well, better late than never. Per usual, ending on a birthday selfie. Only this time, I forgot. So, instead, this was cropped from a Facetime call. Note: the crooked name-tag, Christmas tree turtleneck, and old woman bun. I'm official a teacher.

That’s it, folks. Until next year.