The Evolution of My Communication

One of humanity’s biggest challenge is tact.  Well, okay.  Hold on.  I can hear everybody now, “Chloé, don’t be dramatic.”  Let me rephrase that, one of our generation’s biggest challenge is tact.  Okay! Okay! I get it, everybody just calm down.  The truth is, one of my biggest challenge is tact.  Some people have a natural gift of tact.  I don’t. 

Like an eighth grade essay, “Webster’s Dictionary defines tact as: a keen sense of what to do or say in order to maintain good relations with others or avoid offense.  And we all know Martin Luther King Jr. said it best…” Okay, I took that joke too far. I probably confused half of my readers by now.  Before I move on, I'll explain the joke: usually eighth grade essays open with definitions and then proceed to quote somebody famous, and Martin Luther King Jr. was amongst the most popular.  But maybe that was just me.  And what do I know?  I had a crush on Christopher Walken in the eighth grade, so I’m not really sure how well I related to the average eighth grader…

I mean, I wasn't wrong

He is a some kind of sexy

Confused? Good, I’m making my point already.

There was a song called “Bite My Tongue” by Relient K and the lyrics helped me a lot in middle school. Sitting at a solid 20, and the song still resonates strongly. However, about a decade ago it was how to keep quiet when I just wanted to argue with my parents.  And let me tell you, it worked. 

Yeah, I gotta keep quiet, quiet

Don't let it all come undone

Cause if I dare open my mouth

It'll just be to bite my tongue

To bite my tongue

It seems I'm always close-minded with an open mouth

And the worst of me seems to come right out

But I've never broken bones with a stone or a stick

But I'll conjure up a phrase that can cut to the quick

But now, instead of learning to shut up, I’ve been learning to open my mouth.  See, for the longest time, I needed to learn how to genuinely let go of stupid arguments.  I needed to obey my parents and respect their decisions.  As a fourteen year-old, it worked wonders.  However, being an extremist, I began to create a pretty destructive habit: apathy.  When people started to argue or even hurt my feelings, I just got really quiet.  It was directly related to pride, “this argument isn’t worth my time” or “this person isn’t worth my feelings.” I would let go but to the extent of losing people close to my heart.

So I began to open up, and fight for the relationships I cared most about. 

Warning: it’s about to get real vulnerable all up in here… but that’s the point of these right? So people can find encouragement/relate, and I can write my thoughts out (mostly the latter).

It began in tenth grade; I had a decision to live with other relatives instead of my dad.  I decided to stay with my dad, because I felt God press on my heart, “Chloé, you’ve got one dad. You need to learn how to work stuff out.” 

So I did.  And holy crap it was hard.  Well, that was an understatement. It was one of the hardest things I have ever chosen.  And that statement was very intentional; “chosen” is the key word. There were many options, but I chose that one. Man, did I grow.  I learned to communicate, but it was difficult. 

If my dad began to argue, it took a long time for me to not walk away, shut the door to my room, and seclude myself for hours until it just passed.  I genuinely thought it was better to walk away than fight.  In some situations, it could be.  But this in this situation, it caused apathy. 

After managing to stay in the same room as him, I would just sit in silence ignoring everything he had to say. When he finally stopped talking, I would eventually leave. 

Soon I was shouting back.  I would yell, and throw tantrums, hurtful phrases, other miscellaneous objects, and God forbid, a few cuss words.  But it was communication, nonetheless.  Not effective, but I was finally putting some energy towards us. 

Not too long after, I realized the key to communicating is listening. That was the biggest step I took.  I would listen to understand and gain perspective.

Finally, by the time I graduated, I can honestly say I learned how to communicate pretty well with him.  By no means are we perfect, but as Joyce Meyer (and my angsty Facebook profile picture) would say, “I’m not where I need to be, but thank God I’m not where I used to be.”

Cue actual angsty Facebook post.

Now how does this relate to the Relient K’s song?  Well, I went from an awkward middle schooler listening to the advice to bite my tongue and tame it with respect, to a young adult who is learning how to argue for the people she cares the most about.  I’m learning a new lesson; it’s called tact. 

I'm not saying I don't still struggle with my past communication problems:

            A tween mindlessly arguing

            An adolescent creating apathetic chasms between the ones she loves

            A hormonal high schooler trying to hear her own pain out loud

But it's evolved to a new challenge, and that’s knowing when and how to communicate—speaking up about the things that matter to me the most and  the people who matter to me the most.

In other (more famous and catchy) words:

I was gonna spell it out

In detail but

I dropped the call

Before I spilled my guts

The floor stayed clean

Like my conscience would be

'Cause if you heard anything

You didn't hear it from me

…

And I need some time

To search my mind

To locate the words

That seem so hard to find

And sometimes I say things that

I wish that I could take back

The most crucial thing I lack is the thing called ‘tact’

I’m learning.  I’m growing.  I’m figuring out that fighting for somebody is worth it even if it seems stupid.  If I’m confronting you about something, it’s because I genuinely care.

The Lumineers wrote a lyric that influenced a lot of my change.  It says, “the opposite of love is indifference.”  And the more I’ve studied and grown, I see so much truth in that.  Hate is passion and energy.  Indifference is literally not caring--completely giving up.  My experience with my dad is a perfect example of this.  The moment I realized I had become apathetic was the moment I was in danger.  When the arguing began, that was the next step to recovery.  (Obviously, don't stop there.)  

I think that’s why I am so quick to speak up and say those awkward things.  Apathy is a dangerous thing.  So I need tact.  I need to grow in this area, and hopefully years from now, I can write about the growth in it, too.  

Even so, I'm realizing, it’s not me who should be doing all the mending.  I need to let some things god and fight for others.  All the while, giving it to God for peace and restoration.

Which brings me to the most important lyrics of the song:

Yeah I gotta keep quiet quiet

Listen to your voice

Because the power of your words

Can repair all that I destroyed

I cannot go back to how I’ve reacted to my feelings. And honestly, I’m really glad I can’t.  I’ve grown. Hopefully the people I’ve offended or misunderstood grew, too. 

I can pray for restoration and hope things get better. 

In the past two weeks, I feel like my tact has been completely off.  From justifying myself to my siblings about really heavy things to expressing myself to new friends about really stupid things—and everywhere in between.  Trust me, there’s a lot.  I’ve failed.  And I kinda hate it, but I mostly love it.  I’ve been humbled.  And shoot, there’s nothing more humbling than realizing my intentions may be right, but my tactic was way off.

“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.”

-Martin Luther King Jr.

—Chloé Zoellner

This has no significance, OTHER THAN THE FACT THAT I AM HUGGING RELIENT K'S MAIN SINGER MATT THIESSEN.