A Piece of Peace

This blog is not funny (that will happen post-gradation when I do my birthday blog). This blog is about peace. It will get there eventually, I swear. Just stay with me.

I don't blog enough. Mainly because whatever I write here, I cannot publish. And everything I write is publish-worthy (that was a joke, a very English joke. So, you may laugh or think of me pretentious. Either way because both are funny).

God said to Moses, “I AM WHO I AM. This is what you are to say to the Israelites: ‘I AM has sent me to you.’” (Exodus 3:14)

I think of two things:

First, I think of the time my sister and I were at Costco, and we witnessed the best advertisement of our lives. A sign above a crate of yams read, I yam who I yam, and a little average-Joe yam is talking to another nobody yam friend. Honestly, aside from the Bible, this sign has greatly impacted our view on identity.

Second, this verse means more than just God saying He is God. I think as Americans we tend to filter everything (even things long before us) through a lens that only relates to us. However, in Eastern thought, specifically Hindu cultures, the conception, “I am ____” does not exist. You cannot be anything; you attach to yourself to something. For example, “I am a runner” would not make sense. Instead, more accurately you would say, “I am. I also run.” So, when God names Himself, I AM, He is claiming to be the beginning and the end, a God that is in need of nothing, cyclical, all-encompassing, and self-sufficient.  In other cultures, He is saying you can be, but listen carefully, I AM the I AM. No person, no pseudo-god, no thing has been, is, or will ever be as I am.

I swear, I have a point to this. So, what does this have to do with peace?

Personal background:

As of late, I have seen and felt the consequences of putting all your peace marbles in very human/earthly jars: career, relationships, and school.

1.     At the beginning of the semester, I had a job lined up in film. I thought this is exactly what I wanted, and I was going to further the application process and (hopefully) start my job right outside of college—I’m talking weeks. Can you say, job security? But, I had been ignoring what God was placing on my heart (per usual). Somebody once told me, God’s plan will happen for your life and you can either make it more difficult by ignoring it and face difficulties/challenges until you decide to follow Him, or you accept it and enjoy the fruits much sooner. Over the summer, the Lord called me to teach. I didn’t listen because film is so much cooler. What a dumb reason. But of course, as the process furthered and decisions had to be made, I was getting sick with anxiety because I wasn’t obeying. Just a couple of weeks ago, I politely withdrew from the application process at the film company. After that phone call and before stepping into the grocery store (hoping to see a yam sign), I walked back to my car and sobbed. My whole body just collapsed, and I felt a freedom that was already given to me; I just had to accept it. Now, I know the end goal, I'm just not entirely sure how it's supposed to happen. I am graduating without a secure job, and it's not settling. 

2.     As for relationships, I have invested in people that will transcend college, and for that, I’m extremely grateful. However, recently I have come to the realization: I’m losing the security of some my relationships exceeding the boarders of Stillwater. Particular people and/or relationships that I thought would last much longer (and honestly, hoping would last much longer) are reaching a directional shift or a dead end. This is humbling. How do you act with those you know will not follow you into the next phase of your life? It is difficult knowing relationships will no longer have the same value they once had. And any ounce of security (some more than others) I had in that relationship shifting or ending has brought pain and fear. Even my relationship with my best friends are going to change. That isn’t a bad thing, but it is a shift in my security. And it is an unsettling thing. When you’ve done life a certain way with somebody for long a time, any change requires confidence and flexibility. Confidence in who you are won't change (to that person) but flexible with how the relationship will change. 

3.     Lastly, school is a security blanket for me. I identify as a student. I love assignments and getting stressed and playing the role of the busy college kid. I do it well. It may be sad to admit, but without school I lose a large part of myself. Who am I without grades? Who am I without assignments? Who am I without the things that take up my time now? I know once I’m working, I will be tempted to fill those voids with the stresses of a career, but I want to fight against that.  This section isn’t very large because trying to explain what school, writing, studying, and college means to me would be pointless. It means a lot. I love learning. I’m not much of a routine person, but having parameters and a schedule is a sort of comfort (even if I manipulate and change it all the time).

Right now, in all areas of my life, I am uncomfortable.

This unknowing is blush-worthy whimsical and terribly frightening. 

“…God is love.” 1 John 4:8

John Piper writes, “Which, I take to mean at least this: giving what’s good and serving the benefit of others is closer to the essence of God than getting and being served. God is without needs. God inclines to meet needs. God is a giver. God is love.”

So what does Exodus (God saying He is [period]), and 1 John (God is love) have to do with my insecurities and anxieties?

Oswald Chambers wrote, “The source of peace is God, not myself; it never is my peace but always His, and if once He withdraws, it is not there.” We cannot separate peace from God. He is. If He leaves, I am without peace. If he leaves, I am without love. If He leaves, I am without (period). However, God doesn’t leave. Instead, as Chambers describes His hiddenness a reflection of our own position towards him, “If I allow anything to hide the face, the countenance, the memory, the consideration of our Lord Jesus from me, then I am either disturbed or I have a false security.”

I am disturbed with the anxieties of graduation, and I have three false securities: career, relationships, and school.

My devotional this morning asked,  “What happens when I try to manufacture peace within? What do I allow to come between myself and God?”

My answer: myself. When I try to manufacture peace within, I am allowing myself to get in the way of God. God is. He is self-sufficient. If God is enough for Himself, He is more than enough for me. When I try to muster up peace within myself, I am getting in the way of what God has already given me, which is Himself. God is, and when I feel lost or unsure, trusting in the Prince of Peace is the only logical answer. Trusting in anything else (name anything on earth) is trusting in something that depends on something else. God is the only self-sufficient entity, so why not trust in something that needs nothing, gives everything, and is the very essence of love?

Poland over the summer. Doesn't really relate, but God called me to
teach after this trip, and plus this images just screams (whispers) "peace."