add insult to injury, this girl keeps going 22 years later... & I won't stop.

It’s that time of the year! The time where I pretend to hold some kind of merit in your life, enough to waste ten minutes of reading and offer some kind of wisdom that will transcend the text and apply to your soul. I envision myself as an Oprah-esque figure. Except, instead of gifts that could actually make your life more convenient, I just share my awkward life experiences with you over the past year.

Also, I have to apologize. I tried reading last year’s post. And guys, I’m crazy. I can’t even understand what I was thinking, and it was in my head. I just hope as the years go, I’ll start to be a bit more coherent.

As stated in my post last year about being 21, I’ll probably contradict most of what I write here in a year, but in the immoral words of Rihanna, “Cheers to the freakin’ weekend.”

1. Power of feeling.

I have been wrestling with feeling and logic (choice). Which one has merit? Which do I trust more? I have to recognize that feelings are fleeting. Sometimes, we cannot trust our feelings because we might not even know them. And yet... There’s something not quite satisfying with that answer, right?. There’s something missing when you discredit feelings. So, here’s what I’ve learned: all life experiences are feelings. To experience something is to have a feeling through an event. Feelings are what make us so wonderfully human. Further, our ability to express and share (through language and cognitive processes) differ us from other animals. So, why did I discredit them? I lived a life where feelings were everything, and like a pendulum, I made a conscious effort to never live like that again. But that’s dangerous: to make anything outside of God everything. Logic cannot be everything just like feelings cannot be everything. In fact, God feels for/towards us. In attempt to not be a certain way, I neglected and discredited a very important part of human life. Feelings are not everything, but if my goal is to be more Christ-like, I have to recognize that feelings are a huge part of who He is. And, yes, I’m mainly referring to love. It is a choice, but God loves us not by choice, but by character, who is He. And God is both the creator of feelings and logic.

2. I like when people walk into their songs with their high heels on.

Jordin Sparks, “One Step at a Time,” or Kelly Clarkson’s newest song, “Minute(intro).” Also, it was done in the Zombies’, “The Way I Feel Inside” (though, dress shoes, not high heels, but also including a penny dropping at the end). Maybe I like laughing in songs, too. Except the pseudo-laughing can bother me a bit, too self-aware(?). My fascination with sounds included in songs started in fifth grade. There was a Monkee’s song that included a train moving, “Randy Scouse Git” (which, listening to while writing this blog was both parts nostalgic and disappointing. It was, in fact, not a train, but drums.)

She's so cool, gravity can't even tell her how to live.

3. Being yourself is a form of humility.

My dad told me when I was a little girl, “If a guy doesn’t like you for you, don’t bother.” It seems elementary, right? Well, good because he told me when I was I elementary school. But, I’ve applied this to most areas in my life. Think: the body of Christ. If an employer doesn’t like me, why would I want to work for them? This has less to do with pride, and more to do with humility. If I recognize, I’m not a good fit for everybody, why would I change myself when there is somebody else who would be a better match, naturally? And if that holds true, then the reversed is true, too. I will be a match for a company, relationship, position, task, etc. as I am, naturally.

4 am the day of our triathlon. 

The face of a winner. 

4. The power of reality.

We discredit the wonder of reality. We say things like, “Yeah, but it would have been fine either way.” But, see, there was only one way that actually happened, and that’s reality. So, in that very, specific notion, we are living in a time that is quite magical.

 5. Secrets for yourself.

Do things that only you and God know. Honestly, it has given me a weird joy (riveting!) in knowing I am capable of being a mystery—even if my secret is super lame. Examples: set an alarm for a specific time every day/night just to recognize that time each day/night. (No, that’s not mine, but I might start doing it for fun).

6. Being known.

I grew up moving a lot, and I was home schooled. My best friends were my siblings. When they moved out, I didn’t know how to trust others or let them close. At the same time, my parents were divorcing, so I didn’t really want to be known (if it ended in hurt). So, I hid myself. Some of you reading this will probably think I wear my heart on my sleeve, but just because a person talks a lot doesn’t equate opening up. My dreams, after high school and college included moving, far, far, far away, and frequently. The nomadic lifestyle was for me. Or so I thought. Then around senior year of high school, I got close to three people. When I went to college, I started to slip into the same hiddenness (I thought I loved). Instead, by the will of God, I was given community—stronger than before. I look at my life, and I am blown away when I hear myself say: I want to be known by others, and I want to know others. This love and craving for community is actually shaping my career decisions. Trust me, I’m still wrestling with feeling weak because I want to be close to others. But the tension of my old self feeling uncomfortable with my new[er] self is a beautiful one, and leads in becoming more Christ-like. 

7. “With or Without You” by U2.

Honestly, this is the most depressing and romantic song ever. I CAN’T DECIDE: Do I walk down the isle to this song, or do I cry with double-stuffed Oreos and Pinot Noir? 

8. Dichotomies and binaries.

Coffee is perfect. Wine has its place and time. Dogs teach you how to love something that will always love you back—loyalty. Cats teach you how to love something that may not love you back—conditional. Men and Women reveal different aspects of God’s character. The world needs “The Other” for a full understanding of life.

9. Vulnerability is boldness.

Your vulnerability might not change anything, but it is empowering to share. Don’t regret not saying how you feel, even if it is thrown the curb. Sharing just makes you stronger and more open. A closed person is not a Christ-like person. Jesus was rejected, and that didn’t stop him from remaining open. The key is to stay open without becoming calloused. Our world likes to tell us that it is cool and attractive to be hard and oh-so very misunderstood. Instead, be vulnerable, be open, be heard, and most importantly, be ready to change.

10. Patience is just trusting in action

(See last post written during finals week about career, relationships, school).

 11. Pick a person that makes going to the grocery store fun.

When it comes to dating, my roommates and I started saying this to each other because life is made up of grocery stores and gas stations. And it matters more about the person and less about the date. I’ve had my fair share of dates (good and bad), and I can say from experience: the who matters more than the what. 100 percent. Always. Don’t compromise. Have high standards because if it doesn’t work out with one, the higher the standards and the more patience (thereafter) the final result will prove worth it.

12. Diamond Green Light, Strike on Box Matches.

These little suckers are by far the most satisfying matches I have ever purchased. This sounds dumb, but for other pyromaniacs out there, buy them. They will burn down to your fingertips if you let them. Trust me, that’s incredibly rare.

 13. Puzzles are extremely underrated.

14. Vocalize your dreams.

Don’t let the fear of your dreams not coming true be an preventative of dreaming—out loud or at all. I want to do a MFA program in Europe one day. I want a Great Dane. I want to make a beautiful tiered cake and croissants from scratch. I want to go to the Sundance Film Festival and maybe even compete. I used to be embarrassed to share my dreams in case they didn’t happen, but some times dreams change and other times they just don’t happen, and who cares? Dream up something else.

 15. Don’t let the fear of disappointing others keep you from obeying.

I’ve almost made a lot of decisions based on other people’s opinion, completely disregarding the Holy Spirit’s guidance. I’ll tell you something, pleasing God is way more satisfying than pleasing my friends, family, or mentors.

 16. Gospel reveals where you lack.

The area you struggle in (forgiving, generosity, loving, etc.) is the area of the Gospel you do not recognize in your own life. If you knew the extent of forgiveness God gave, you’d forgive more easily. If you knew how generous God is towards His children, you’d give more easily. Let the Gospel work as a mirror, reflecting what He’s done for you onto your decisions and actions towards others.

17. I cannot fix every world, national, or local problem.

Instead, I ask: “What is my role and responsibility right now?” 

 18. A new way to say, “Hi!”

"What’s new Pussycat?” in the best Tom Jones voice. Say it to at least one person everyday. I promise it will be [one of] the best decision[s] of your day. A few people you should not say it to: Women's Studies Professor, your boss when she's in a meeting and the door is closed and you think she's just relaxing, so you barge in (not good), the foreign exchange student who works at the student store because then you're stuck explaining something that could be potentially offensive. A few people you should say it to: everybody else.  Promise. Money-back guarantee.

 19. Just do it, but with people.

I was asked about my favorite college memories, and all involved when I just said yes. Truly excuses (especially money) is so not worth it. The only thing keeping you from actually doing something, is saying yes. 

Cue list of cool things I’ve experienced: 

I saw a live tarantula on a night hike. I went to Europe. I received fourteen stiches on the forehead by jumping into a pond in 30 degree weather. I’ve peed and danced in/on top of places inappropriate for both. I worked for MasterChef Jr. I stole a live duck for a prank. I fell off a cliff. I mattress surfed on campus staircases. I kissed underwater. I have numerous pen-pals across the nation and world. I traveled to random states over the weekend for good coffee. I filmed my own shorts, and I won in competitions. I laughed so hard I threw up. I completed an Olympic triathlon. I cooked six boxes of spaghetti just to throw all over a room because of a poem I really enjoyed. I have summited five 14ers in one weekend. I witnessed a guy rip his pants on a first date. I visited national parks. I’ve started many fires. I’ve shot lots of guns. I jumped off and into waterfalls. I interned for a film company. I saw under stars. I've had glow-stick parties, scaring seven year olds in the process. And so much more.

I just did it, but with people. 

Every memory above includes the most genuine friendships and/or people that have greatly impacted me. It's not all of my favorite memories, but a short list. See, Nike has it 50% right. If you want to do it, just do it, but remember: it’s not the what; it’s the who that matters.

 20. Don’t be the weird spider girl.

Establish a relationship with people before you open up about your love for bugs (specifically, spiders). This might sound like a ‘ha-ha-ha-yeah” thing to dismiss. LISTEN. I promise. This is important. If you don’t establish some credible mental stability—and I’m serious—you will be known as the weird, spider girl. I have made this mistake, and people have actually treated me differently for my love of spiders.

 21. The difference between if and how.

When you love somebody and hardships come, I’ve learned it’s not a question, “If we’ll get through this;” it is, “How are we going to get through this?” Natural feels so dang great in reference to commitment.


 22. God is a jealous God.

Not because He needs us (He is self-sufficient), but because He knows He is the only thing that satisfies us. God being jealous for us is the most loving behavior.

And now for the P.S. section where I tell my fans this year's Chloé fun facts:

  A. I switched to Google Chrome today.
  B. I decided to be a hockey fan this year (Golden Knights).

   C. Lorde’s Melodrama makes me sassy.

  D. My plant family is officially nine (Crispy, Swank, Pixie, Pickle, Whimsy, Pete, Flynn, Clue, and Brave).

  E. This year, I was told: “You are disgusting.” (Note the period. The fact. The declaration. This statement of character.)

  F. I think I'm actually allergic to something in pesto, but I eat a lot of it. And, I know what you're thinking, "Nobody eats a lot of pesto." Hahaha. Okay.

And, fam, that's it.

Of course, per usual my birthday post ending on a birthday selfie:

I set a timer so I could put both hands in it.

A Piece of Peace

This blog is not funny (that will happen post-gradation when I do my birthday blog). This blog is about peace. It will get there eventually, I swear. Just stay with me.

I don't blog enough. Mainly because whatever I write here, I cannot publish. And everything I write is publish-worthy (that was a joke, a very English joke. So, you may laugh or think of me pretentious. Either way because both are funny).

God said to Moses, “I AM WHO I AM. This is what you are to say to the Israelites: ‘I AM has sent me to you.’” (Exodus 3:14)

I think of two things:

First, I think of the time my sister and I were at Costco, and we witnessed the best advertisement of our lives. A sign above a crate of yams read, I yam who I yam, and a little average-Joe yam is talking to another nobody yam friend. Honestly, aside from the Bible, this sign has greatly impacted our view on identity.

Second, this verse means more than just God saying He is God. I think as Americans we tend to filter everything (even things long before us) through a lens that only relates to us. However, in Eastern thought, specifically Hindu cultures, the conception, “I am ____” does not exist. You cannot be anything; you attach to yourself to something. For example, “I am a runner” would not make sense. Instead, more accurately you would say, “I am. I also run.” So, when God names Himself, I AM, He is claiming to be the beginning and the end, a God that is in need of nothing, cyclical, all-encompassing, and self-sufficient.  In other cultures, He is saying you can be, but listen carefully, I AM the I AM. No person, no pseudo-god, no thing has been, is, or will ever be as I am.

I swear, I have a point to this. So, what does this have to do with peace?

Personal background:

As of late, I have seen and felt the consequences of putting all your peace marbles in very human/earthly jars: career, relationships, and school.

1.     At the beginning of the semester, I had a job lined up in film. I thought this is exactly what I wanted, and I was going to further the application process and (hopefully) start my job right outside of college—I’m talking weeks. Can you say, job security? But, I had been ignoring what God was placing on my heart (per usual). Somebody once told me, God’s plan will happen for your life and you can either make it more difficult by ignoring it and face difficulties/challenges until you decide to follow Him, or you accept it and enjoy the fruits much sooner. Over the summer, the Lord called me to teach. I didn’t listen because film is so much cooler. What a dumb reason. But of course, as the process furthered and decisions had to be made, I was getting sick with anxiety because I wasn’t obeying. Just a couple of weeks ago, I politely withdrew from the application process at the film company. After that phone call and before stepping into the grocery store (hoping to see a yam sign), I walked back to my car and sobbed. My whole body just collapsed, and I felt a freedom that was already given to me; I just had to accept it. Now, I know the end goal, I'm just not entirely sure how it's supposed to happen. I am graduating without a secure job, and it's not settling. 

2.     As for relationships, I have invested in people that will transcend college, and for that, I’m extremely grateful. However, recently I have come to the realization: I’m losing the security of some my relationships exceeding the boarders of Stillwater. Particular people and/or relationships that I thought would last much longer (and honestly, hoping would last much longer) are reaching a directional shift or a dead end. This is humbling. How do you act with those you know will not follow you into the next phase of your life? It is difficult knowing relationships will no longer have the same value they once had. And any ounce of security (some more than others) I had in that relationship shifting or ending has brought pain and fear. Even my relationship with my best friends are going to change. That isn’t a bad thing, but it is a shift in my security. And it is an unsettling thing. When you’ve done life a certain way with somebody for long a time, any change requires confidence and flexibility. Confidence in who you are won't change (to that person) but flexible with how the relationship will change. 

3.     Lastly, school is a security blanket for me. I identify as a student. I love assignments and getting stressed and playing the role of the busy college kid. I do it well. It may be sad to admit, but without school I lose a large part of myself. Who am I without grades? Who am I without assignments? Who am I without the things that take up my time now? I know once I’m working, I will be tempted to fill those voids with the stresses of a career, but I want to fight against that.  This section isn’t very large because trying to explain what school, writing, studying, and college means to me would be pointless. It means a lot. I love learning. I’m not much of a routine person, but having parameters and a schedule is a sort of comfort (even if I manipulate and change it all the time).

Right now, in all areas of my life, I am uncomfortable.

This unknowing is blush-worthy whimsical and terribly frightening. 

“…God is love.” 1 John 4:8

John Piper writes, “Which, I take to mean at least this: giving what’s good and serving the benefit of others is closer to the essence of God than getting and being served. God is without needs. God inclines to meet needs. God is a giver. God is love.”

So what does Exodus (God saying He is [period]), and 1 John (God is love) have to do with my insecurities and anxieties?

Oswald Chambers wrote, “The source of peace is God, not myself; it never is my peace but always His, and if once He withdraws, it is not there.” We cannot separate peace from God. He is. If He leaves, I am without peace. If he leaves, I am without love. If He leaves, I am without (period). However, God doesn’t leave. Instead, as Chambers describes His hiddenness a reflection of our own position towards him, “If I allow anything to hide the face, the countenance, the memory, the consideration of our Lord Jesus from me, then I am either disturbed or I have a false security.”

I am disturbed with the anxieties of graduation, and I have three false securities: career, relationships, and school.

My devotional this morning asked,  “What happens when I try to manufacture peace within? What do I allow to come between myself and God?”

My answer: myself. When I try to manufacture peace within, I am allowing myself to get in the way of God. God is. He is self-sufficient. If God is enough for Himself, He is more than enough for me. When I try to muster up peace within myself, I am getting in the way of what God has already given me, which is Himself. God is, and when I feel lost or unsure, trusting in the Prince of Peace is the only logical answer. Trusting in anything else (name anything on earth) is trusting in something that depends on something else. God is the only self-sufficient entity, so why not trust in something that needs nothing, gives everything, and is the very essence of love?

Poland over the summer. Doesn't really relate, but God called me to
teach after this trip, and plus this images just screams (whispers) "peace."