23, All Bark, No Bite, and a Little Late

Welcome to my fourth annual birthday blog! Today’s guest speakers are Angst (per usual), the crowd favorite: Cynicism, and of course the pot stirrer: Nostalgia with musical guest the goody-two-shoe herself, Gratitude!

Wow, I hated that just as much as you did, but I had to open it some way, and a cheesy and very honest opening seemed fitting.  

1.      I have come to peace knowing some students don’t like me.

In fact, the biggest take-away from this year has been learning the goodness in that. I am now glad if a student who is disrespectful to me or others doesn’t like me. I am now happy for that tension. I came to this realization: I don’t want people who lie, cheat, and show disrespect to like me. The tension is healthy. In their dislike, maybe they will have to wrestle with why they don’t like me. And maybe they will realize they don’t like me because I don’t allow them to cheat, lie, and disrespect others;  maybe they’ll realize what they really don’t like is that part of themselves; maybe I’m just their morality bounce board,  and it doesn’t stick. If they liked me, then I’m condoning that behavior. And maybe, just maybe, deep down they'll realize they are longing for boundaries, as all humans are, to be told right and wrong—the Ultimate Truth.

2.      I love my dog’s breath.

I tried to look up some scientific reasons, a sort of comfort in numbers. Nope.  I’m alone on this one. Instead, I found a generous amount of websites on dog hygiene and a larger number of people concerned with their dogs’ breath smelling like poop. So, at least Valentina just smells like kibbles.

3.      I believe the negative more easily than the positive.

As humans, we take pretty easily to the negative. The negative has to be true and the positive is has to be false. We see this in how information and situations affect us—the nativeity bias, the notion that, even when of equal intensity, things of a more negative nature… have a greater effect on one's psychological state and processes than neutral or positive things. Why?

4.       I have forgotten my phone at home so many times, and I count that as success.

5.       I own salt and pepper shakers (set).

I don’t feel like an adult, too much. I am twenty-three, but it still feel like a teenager who has been given way too much freedom. However, there are little moments I feel like an adult and those moments look like payday, when I get my dog vaccinated, getting my eyebrows waxed, and owning a set of [official] salt and pepper shakers.

This is the set I own.

6.      Forgiveness.

It took twenty-two years to finally learn this lesson. Hopefully, by sharing this others may benefit earlier than later. My therapist asked me why I didn’t want to forgive two people who hurt my sister and me when I was younger. The point isn’t what they did, so without detail just trust they created large wounds. I told my therapist I didn’t want to forgive them because deep down I believed that if I forgave them, their sins would have no weight, their sins would not be so hurtful. I thought if I forgave them, all their pain wouldn’t mean as much—as if my forgiveness (or lack thereof) determined how hurtful their actions were. My therapist assured me that forgiveness is not a synonym for condoning, allowing, or excusing. I told her how I felt like forgiving these two people would let them off the hook for what they did. She told me that my forgiveness does not take away their sins, nor does my lack of forgiveness make what they did worse. My forgiveness was for my benefit—a healthier relationship with God and others.

7.       I’ve been off of Instagram for half a year.

This has been one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I’ve regained a sense of privacy and confidence. I’m doing things because I want to do them and without any affirmation. I don’t care how I look doing them; I don’t care how anything looks. I just do it.

8.       Last year taught me the importance of focus. This year I’m preparing my heart for Him.

Twenty-two years old was a fine mingling of letting go and holding on. It wasn’t just important to focus on God and His Kingdom, it was survival.

9.       Less impressed with healing.

I’ve become less impressed with healing stories. We’ve heard this before: I was suffering. I was angry with God. I called out to Him, “Why did you let this happen?” Some time after, God took away my suffering. And now I’m happy again.

Now, before I explain myself, I need to make it clear: I am genuinely in awe when God heals. What doesn’t impress me are complaining people who are satisfied when everything turns out okay.

The people who impress me are the sufferers who gain no healing or even a hope from a solid diagnosis, the people who don’t get that second chance, the ones who never marry, the people who experience hell and never see the metaphorical ribbon tied on their own happy ending… and yet. I call them “Yet People.” And yet, they never cease praise. They get angry because they are human, but their joy does not dependent on their circumstances.

God will heal whomever He chooses for His glory and for His kingdom, and it may or may not benefit us. If we could just look past our own temporary lives on earth to understand that we get to be a piece in this whole redemptive story, we would find joy in all circumstances.

10.   Busy is not successful.

If successful is achieving a goal. You can be successful at relaxing (which I’m not).

11.   I’m part of the AB+ club.

This happened in this order. I donated blood. I got a very gnarly bruise. I found out my blood type is AB+ (not related to my type of men, you are not limited to dating similar blood type, common misconception.) I also found out, one receives a card AND acceptance into a group I didn’t even know exists called, “AB+ Club.” Yes, I do feel really cool.

12.   Post college rocks, both in “its like really fun” and “holy shit, it’s super unstable.”

In high school, I was a figuring out who I am in Christ. In college, I was figuring out who Christ is in me. I would describe high school and college as sprints on a track. Constant changes—full speed, break, full speed, break—hard to get off track. Post college is a marathon—steady and difficult with constant mile markers to make sure you’re going the right way.

Signing for my first career, you know the kind with insurance, paid time off, and stuff. 

13.   The courage to be disliked.

There’s not much to elaborate on this. I think it takes courage to be disliked. In a world saturated by likes, hearts, and digital affirmation, not being liked is a fear of many. Being disliked for the right reasons isn’t a new concept, just something I’ve learned this year. As a Christian, I have to take up my cross. In the United States, that doesn’t look too damning, but it looks uncomfortable; that’s a significantly small price to pay.

14.   “What ifs” can be just as much positive as negative.

When your mind is tumbling over every situation that could evolve, don’t forget the positive “what ifs.”

15.  I am at a default setting: rejecting any good in me.

I’ve been known to admit to the worst of myself. I’m very self-aware; therefore, my sinfulness is no stranger to me. I am close to my shortcomings, aware of my flaws and failures. Not to be confused with low self-esteem, I simply know [very well] my sin and need for a Savor. Sounds humble, but like mentioned in a lot of my writing, humility is recognizing both shortcomings and strengths. Cut to Lewis, “Humility is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less.” So, why do I recognize and see the negative as true, but the positive as a pseudo-self?

            For me personally, I know God to be the source of ultimate good. That anything pleasing and good comes from Him. Deep down, if I were to be honest, I feel that any good in me is a mockery, literally, “an absurd misrepresentation or imitation of something,” as if any good in me is an absurd misrepresentation of Christ. And in fact, I am; further, we’re called to be. We are alabaster jars, broken, trying to hold and overflow the goodness of God in us. This truth is neither bound to the binary “good or bad” but rather the thing that breaks all labels, Holy. It that truth, we are humbled, forgiven, and loved, not to brag about the good and keep it, but to further the good unto others.

            And, for me, I need that as a daily reminder.

16.   I’ve lived alone for six months.

Similar to Instagram, one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I’ve regained a healthy sense of privacy and confidence. I have danced so hard while getting ready for work that I hit my knee cap so hard it bruised and bled. I have left dirty dishes in the sink, only to clean them the next day, and I haven’t missed a payment for any bills. I have learned roommates teach you compromise and solo teaches you ownership.

17.   Being kind to yourself is not selfish or a fad. It’s healthy and Godly.

My boyfriend called me out on this. He said I speak harsh words to myself. I realized if he noticed this, others did, too. It wasn’t Godly or healthy. This doesn’t mean I need to spend more time on myself, this means I need to be kind to ALL of God’s creations, including myself and not feel guilty.

18.   Panda express is overrated.

19.   Being a young, adult with few responsibilities is an awkward phase.

One moment, you’re filling your salt and pepper shakers and treating your dog’s butt rash feeling like you’ve reached adulthood. The next moment, you’re driving your best friend around on Christmas Eve playing Taylor Swift as loud as you can as a drive by attempt to heal from a boy’s painful decisions.

20.   Dating shouldn’t be hard.

I’ve been dating my best friend for about six months now. It’s taken a few failed relationships for me to get to this point. I can confidently say, dating should be such a joy. It should bring you closer to God. It should leave you happy and growing more often than frustrated and defeated.  It should be easy and not full of tension... simply and it should be fun.  What I mean, of course, when I say "easy" is that when there is tension, it should be easy (natural) to want to fix things. There should be excitement to fix it rather than resentment.

Connor and I at 3 a.m. in a tent at The Great Smokeys National Park. 

21.   Sexy is not a sin.

It’s been a long time coming. I was hurt as a child, and this hurt kept me from wanting to feel pretty or even attractive. I can say confidently, feeling sexy is not a sin.

New Years Eve, wearing lip-stain; it's different than lipstick, this I found out.

22.   We’re always at different places.

One lesson I continued to learn this year: understanding that people are always at different places. One person could be mature in one way and growing in another. These two categories would be switched for another person. The most important thing to remember is pain is real for everyone. Even if that looks silly to you, or maybe it doesn’t quite compare to your pain. Breakups are painful, even if you’re married and don’t relate. Your children being sick is incredibly hard, even if you don’t have kids and don’t relate. Pain is universal, but so is understanding.

23.   Let relationships change.

You’ll ruin a relationship if you fight against its natural change. Treasure what your relationships are becoming instead of longing for what they were.

And… for the flash facts!

• a.       I am enneagram four. That just means I’m both parts disappointed that there are others like me, and excited I’m finally understood
• b.       I’m dating the most incredible man of God. He’s tender-hearted, gentle, patient, and wise. 10/10 recommend dating your best friend.
• c.       I love Ramen.
• d.       Community is one of the best written shows I’ve seen in a long time. Sad it took me so long.
• e.       I’m going to my first OBGYN appointment, and after I played Ke$ha “Woman.”
• f.        My dog is one of my closest female friends in Tulsa. Priorities. Oh, and I have a dog sitter I pay with craft beer. Oh, and we have matching winter jackets. 

Well, better late than never. Per usual, ending on a birthday selfie. Only this time, I forgot. So, instead, this was cropped from a Facetime call. Note: the crooked name-tag, Christmas tree turtleneck, and old woman bun. I'm official a teacher.

That’s it, folks. Until next year. 

Ten Men: The Privacy and Confessions of a Christian Woman Who Dates Too Much and the Hope of a Little Black Dress

This is a confession of a Christian woman who struggles with feeling she has dated too much. This is my guide in which making peace is en route, documented through numbering failed relationships, and the hope of a little black dress.

I have a lot to say, but I hate fluff. Here's my attempt to stay concise and clear, convicting and comforting those who read.

I have dated ten men.

I don't mean that I've had ten serious relationships, most of these were what millennials would call, "things." These ten men I have opened up to, listened to, revealed myself to, been known by, and spent time knowing. But that's the limit to my justifying or explaining my number.

Like most things, I believe you should know the motivation behind what you're doing and what you're thinking. Your privacy shouldn't be the exception. Here's what I've been learning. There are two motivations for privacy. First, you're private because you don't want to give details, be open, or vulnerable for the sake of the other party listening/reading. Maybe the details, the information, the content would harm the reader/listener. That is healthy and mature. I think privacy is a beautiful tool in gauging intimacy. We shouldn't open up about everything to everyone if it could hurt the listener or reader.

However, a person could be private because of shame. That's the second reason we are private. There is an amount of shame or embarrassment--beyond healthy conviction. The shame has turned and tempted you into isolation and created a pseudo, twisted sense of uniqueness. Yet, the Bible makes it pretty clear: we are not the only or first people to make the mistakes we make.

One of my favorite writers, Dave Eggers wrote a book, A Heartbreaking Work of a Staggering Genius. It is a creative non-fiction  piece about the death of his parents', the adoption of his brother, and the start of his literary magazine. He writes about the inner struggle every non-fiction writer faces: what information should I give my readers? Here's my favorite part of the book:

"I can afford to give you this. This does not break me. I give you virtually everything I have... We feel that to reveal embarrassing or private things...somehow makes one less of oneself. But it's just the opposite, more is more is more--more bleeding, more giving. These things, details, stories, whatever, are like the skin shed by snakes, who leave theirs for anyone to see. What does he care where it is, who sees it, this snake, and his skin? He leaves it where he molts... we come across a snake's long-shed skin, and we know something of the snake, we know that it's of this approximate girth and that approximate length, but we know very little else. Do we know where the snake is now?What the snake is thinking now? No."

When we share the details of our lives with others, we are afraid of judgment. But Eggers says that he can "afford" to give these stories to his readers because it is not him. Like a snake, it is apart of him, but it's not him, where he is now, where he is going.

Ten men. That's my relationship number. You can infer some things about me. You can guess who I am by that number, to a degree. You can know my approximate this and approximate that. Sure that number does say a few things about who I am.

I think often times, I am afraid of breaking down that privacy, to enter into vulnerability because maybe I would be found out, and maybe in that discovery, I would be seen for who I really am--too much, pathetic, unlovable.

Maybe, at the end of the day, I'm not those things. Maybe deep down, I am a snake shedding its skin. And those things aren't me, but things I've done and the mistakes I've made. Maybe I can afford to share my sins, my convictions, my shortcomings because they aren't me because His salvation and grace.

Or

Maybe, at the end of the day, I am those things. I am too much,  pathetic, and unlovable. Maybe those things are exactly who I am, but through grace and salvation, I can be called beloved.


Either way, I do know this: if finding a husband is not the point of living, and if human romance is not the purpose of life, then when I fail in finding a husband (dating), it shouldn't break me because it wasn't my Ultimate, my life source. I can openly admit to my ten, my dating, my innocent crushes, my messy breakups, my personal mistakes, etc. because I know this journey through dating isn't going to lead to my satisfaction, marriage or not.  I am already satisfied, fully made in Christ who loved me before I loved Him.

Some of you reading might think, so what? Ten guys, not a big deal. However, for somebody whose personality struggles with being known and understood, I find failing intimacy to be something quite tragic, and further, the thought and shame of investing and revealing so much of me to so many men (at least to me), is also embarrassing. However, I realize this might not resonate with you. I would challenge you to fill in your own blanks, "If _________ is not the point of living and if _______ is not the purpose of life, then when I fail________, it shouldn't break me."

If it breaks your identity, if it shatters who you are, it's valued too much.

In addition (trying to stay on topic but stick with me), there has to be something that fills that blank, and I'd argue finding it would be worth the searching because it will break you at the end.

So, here I am writing this blog after my boyfriend and I broke up. Roughly three months, and it seems like my relationships aren't lasting as long as they used to, and I'm very content with that. I know waiting for the sake of waiting, fighting to keep something together for the sake of keeping it together--really doing anything, for the sake of just doing it--can be stupid. Why stretch it seven months, a whole year, three years! etc. when you know you should break up after three months?  I'm not going to continue to date, fight, try, and hurt in a relationship that doesn't glorify God.

Finally, the hope of a little black dress.

When my past boyfriend and I were dating, he promised to take me on a fancy date. What that meant was, we would dress up and go to this very nice bar looking all spiffy and sexy. Being a tomboy teacher, I didn't have a lot of occasions for dressing up, and so I bought a little black dress. It was $14, but I have never felt so sexy, so incredibly womanly in a piece of clothing. I know it sounds slightly materialistic, but without getting into a lot of unnecessary details, some "stuff" in my childhood and young teenage years had tragically scared me into thinking that looking beautiful is a negative thing. Until recently by the work of God through healing and forgiving my past, I can say by wearing this dress and being okay (even celebrating!) getting attention for looking really beautiful, is a large milestone.

But...
we never went on the date.

The dress is hanging in my closet, and I'm so freaking excited to wear it!

Let me make this very clear, this is not me saying that the little black dress represents the future and a successful relationship. That the hope is in a future date, and that it will be my future husband. In fact, I already think I know when I'm going to wear it, and to say it's with my future husband is a bit ambitious--to even call it a date is ambitious.

The little black dress is a symbol for my cynical heart trying to put forth effort and willingness to try, even after being burnt out ten times before.  It's a symbol of acceptance and acknowledgment of my true identity. It's the fact that when/if I put it on for a date, the success of that date does not determine who I am, to any degree.

The world can know  every detail about the little black dress. The world can know about the man who sees me in it for the first time. The world can know about the success or failures that will inevitably be associated with it.

I'll let the world know my adventures in the little black dress in hopes the person underneath those dark threads stands with dignity and optimism through all the pressures this life throws at her, and in even more hope that the God who made the woman in the little black dress could be glorified and made known in both her successes and failures.

The Fruit of Friction

Suffering is not something to avoid.

Geographically, Buddhism (Eastern thought) is closer to the first Christians than we, so when Paul and James talk about suffering, it was already in context of Eastern Thought. Why does this matter? Well, if you look at Paul and James teachings on suffering, you will see the idea of suffering is almost exactly the same as a Buddhist: you should not fight suffering or discomfort; you should embrace it.

When a person tries to avoid, fights against, or grows apathetic to suffering/discomfort, that person becomes bitter, damaged, broken, and bruised. 

When a person accepts, embraces, and builds a familiar relationship with suffering/discomfort, that person becomes stronger, wiser, and more gentle.

James says, "Count it all joy, my brothers and sisters, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testings of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete,  lacking in nothing."

Note: James is not saying be joyful in trials. He's saying ultimately trails will be for our joy.

Western thought tells us comfort is our priority. When we live like comfort is our end-goal in life, we quit too often and too quickly when things get uncomfortable. 

So, I have to ask two questions: 

1) How does this [prioritizing comfort] translate to real world?

2) What are the consequences of this [prioritizing comfort]? 

For the sake of this blog, I will define the real world as a combination of two things: human relationships and work. Human relationships include parental, familial, romantic, friendship, platonic, academic, coworkers, etc. Work includes a job, career, school, mission, or calling. 

Relationships:

We quit relationships too quickly and too often because our comfort has been disturbed. Maybe you need to ask for grace, and your pride makes that uncomfortable. Maybe you need to extend grace, and your fear makes that uncomfortable. Maybe you need to compromise more but that means giving up securities that you've created. Maybe you need to tear down walls, but that means being more vulnerable.  Maybe you need to forgive, but that means facing fears. Maybe you need to work on something, but that means effort. 

Work:

We quit jobs too quickly and too often because our comfort has been disturbed. Maybe you need to be more flexible. Maybe you need to learn to do things you don't like to do. Maybe you need to learn a new skill. Maybe you aren't that good at something and you don't want to better it. Maybe you don't get paid as well as you wish. Maybe people don't thank you enough. Maybe you work long hours. Maybe you wish you had a promotion. The moment the job isn't catered to your wish list, you quit. 

OR maybe you don't quit those things for the same reason. Maybe there is comfort in staying in an unhealthy relationship/workplace.

The bottom line: we seek comfort. 

When we prioritize comfort in the real world, there are some serous spiritual consequences. 

Spirutal Consequences:

After studying the fruit of the Spirit, I have learned three very important (maybe obvious) characteristics regarding application. 

• First, the word fruit is important. This might be obvious, but fruit is a symbolic word for the product a plant produces. As a Christian, the fruit of the Spirit is the product of living as a Christian--Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-Control.

• Second, and closely related to the first, the different fruits of the Spirit are byproducts of your walk with the Lord. In other words, you don't strive to have more patience; you strive to look like Christ, and in that pursuit you become more patient.

• Third, you cannot fully produce fruit without relationships. You can only partly practice and grow in the Spirit by yourself.  You need to be in relation to others to fully practice the fruit of the Spirit. Try practicing being gentle to only yourself. Try being patient with just yourself. Yes, you can partly grow in the Spirit by yourself, but the fruit of walking as a Christian is to exemplify the fruit onto and with others.  

So, what does this have to do with comfort? When we are spiritually challenged in these areas, we can quit all too often and too quickly.  And quitting produces: first a bitter heart, then a callous heart, and lastly (I would argue most dangerously), an apathetic heart.

A bitter, callous, or apathetic heart towards our relationships/work will create walls keeping us from the Spirit. So often we think of the Spirit as its own entity. But simple inductive reasoning: God is the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. God is the Spirit.  Therefore, when we prioritize comfort, becoming bitter, callous, or apathetic, we are building walls between us and God. 

We need to struggle with our discomfort, wrestle our weakness, and fight tensions. If we don't, we quit people and missions. When we quit, we build walls, keeping us separate from growing in the Spirit. And if we believe the Holy Spirit is God, we are separating ourselves from God, building an immunity to His voice.  

Maybe we shouldn't seek out suffering, as I know full and well, it will find us. But maybe we should seek out spiritual discomfort every now and then. If I'm constantly comfortable with my walk with the Lord, His people, and His calling on my life, I might have to take a look and see if it's a red-flag because I have been living for myself and my comfort.

Inversely, when we fight through our discomfort and sufferings, remaining steadfast, we reap the harvest of commitment and the joy of satisfaction in both relationships and work. 

Prioritize God, not comfort. Nobody grows from being comfortable, stagnate, or apathetic.

Waiting for Green (Alt. Title: Ugh, Another Post Grad Blog?)

This blog will not be me saying, “remain steadfast in the waiting because God has a plan for you eventually.”

On the contrary, I would like to posit: there is no such thing as a waiting time. I’ll explain.

I am impatient. This impatience is just the manifestation of my worry. I want things quickly, so I can be two things: satisfied and at peace.

In just about every area of my post grad life, I had no stability. Nothing was settled. Nothing was secure. And worse, nothing was known.

For about eight days, I had been sleeping on couches and floors because I was applying for jobs, filming a wedding, and attending holiday functions. I physically, emotionally, and spiritually crashed hard.

I was so confused by God. Why did He lead me here (this physical, mental, and emotional place) if nothing was safe?

The lord said to Gideon, “You have too many men. I cannot deliver Midian into their hands, or Israel would boast against me, ‘My own strength has saved me.’ Judges 7:2

God doesn’t keep us dangling because He needs to be the superhero that comes in last minute to save us. However, He is a jealous God because He loves us. He wants the credit because He knows we cannot do it without Him.

First, He knows nothing else will satisfy us. God, being perfect love, is the best for us. So, the first part to rid my impatience is to rest in assurance; His timing is perfect. Trying to do anything on my own, manipulating situations, and not trusting Him will lead to [even more] unsatisfying results.

Second, God doesn’t keep us dangling at all.  In fact, I don’t believe there is such thing as a waiting time, at least not in the traditional sense. Here’s what I mean. For a long time, I’ve been taught to remain faithful in the waiting. It was described as a place where we are supposed to continue—a sort of going through the motions—to do what God calls us to do until the next thing happens. I think, in good spirit, people teach that we’re supposed to remain. Now, here’s the problem with this mentality—this continuing through the hardships—it has a sort of underlining unsatisfied mentality doesn’t it? I can feel my heart saying, “I’ll be faithful in this because the good is yet to come.” (Biblically this is referring to Christ's coming and Christ's second coming, not a lighter load on earth). 

In fact, this trickles into another area God has been revealing, which is the importance of feeling not just obedience (logic). I think we should obey regardless of how we feel, but we should use that obedience as a catalyst to feel at peace. Obedience in trusting is not the end stop; it is the fire we use  to experience God's peace.

Think: what if the good is now? What if this notion of waiting was a pseudo-peace we created? 

What if there was no such thing as waiting just being? 

You can decide to waste being on waiting.

Instead, what if you spent your “waiting” by living? Actually utilizing all opportunities. Can you image the energy, the people, the places, and the experiences?

I often think back to something my pastor once said. He told a story about a woman.  Before a hardship, she was extremely merciful, sweet, gentle, etc. After her hardship, she lost her virtues.

Hear me, I'm not saying fake happiness. 

I’m saying: I don’t want to be a person of genuine virtue, integrity, joy, and kindness when things are good for me. Behaving well just when I get what I want.

I want to look back on the hard times, the uncertainty, un-sureness, the fear, and the unsettling moments with virtue—a manifestation of my trust in the Father. 

I don’t want to exemplify that trust only when things go my way.

Joy is closer to peace than it is to happiness. Joy is saying regardless of the circumstances, I’m trusting in the Lord. I’m giving Him my everything—the good, the bad, and the in between (waiting).

Buddhism teaches this sort of peace. They don’t view suffering as bad. Suffering is suffering; it is a part of life. Instead of wallowing in it, waiting for it to end, you are to find the peace within yourself. Do not be afraid or scared of the suffering. Embrace the suffering as it is, in that acceptance you find inner peace. 

Now, as a Christian, I don’t believe we have that peace within us. I don’t believe we can ever train hard enough, think long enough, mediate well enough, or learn enough to acquire it. But I do believe there is a loving God who graciously gives us peace, even—and here’s the scandalous nature of His love and peace—especially when we created the havoc in the first place.

I think Paul exemplifies the peace that the Buddhists and other Christians talk about. I think everybody is in need of it, searching for it. In the midst of hell on earth, there are accounts of Paul remaining faithful. But here’s the difference. It’s not complacency. It’s a peace that moved Paul. It’s a peace that pushed Paul into action. The peace of God actually gave Paul purpose in his time of suffering. He didn’t “wait out the suffering.” He lived out the suffering.

So maybe you’re waiting for a job. Maybe you’re single and waiting for a significant other. Maybe you’re waiting to graduate. 

These are all beautiful gifts from God, but they should not grow into distractions from God and His calling to do Kingdom work. In fact, the moment their existence (or lack thereof) becomes the reason you aren't active in your pursuit or purpose set before you, you actually begin to abuse their very nature.  No job, no person, no freedom, no ____ can satisfy your soul. 

Hence, I think waiting can be dangerous. If you’re stuck with a waiting mentality, you’ll miss the living now. Look at your circumstances as a place to learn, to heal, to teach, to serve, to know, and to be known. Don’t miss what is right in front of you. You don’t want to be the one that actually gets what you want, but in the process wasted three years waiting for it.

I don’t believe in waiting. I believe in accepting where I am, if it’s pain or suffering, trusting the Lord will heal and restore, and actively living in the now.

I want to end on this: I think waiting in the Biblical sense is an active trusting. It is not a helpless, dormant life. And, I think this active trusting is where one will find a satisfying and peaceful life regardless of the circumstances.

Psalm 27:14 

Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord

This is slightly irrelevant. I didn’t want to include it in the main blog portion, but food for thought:

I think the only one who can actually wait is God because unlike us, He is the only one who is in control of time. 

We are supposed to accept and trust His timing. 

But! Can God really “wait”? In the sense, is it waiting if He controls time? It’s not so much "waiting" as it is "how He wants it." It is simply: His timing. Maybe in the literal sense, it is waiting because it is a pause... but that’s an awfully limited perspective—to think something is on a pause because it’s not when we would have it done.  We only know our own lives and our very small understanding of time. I mean, if God has perfect timing, can He even “wait”? Or is it just His timing is perfect and so the notion of waiting is formed by humans who just cannot agree or simply cannot fathom His timing? 

Green Light (Seattle, WA)

add insult to injury, this girl keeps going 22 years later... & I won't stop.

It’s that time of the year! The time where I pretend to hold some kind of merit in your life, enough to waste ten minutes of reading and offer some kind of wisdom that will transcend the text and apply to your soul. I envision myself as an Oprah-esque figure. Except, instead of gifts that could actually make your life more convenient, I just share my awkward life experiences with you over the past year.

Also, I have to apologize. I tried reading last year’s post. And guys, I’m crazy. I can’t even understand what I was thinking, and it was in my head. I just hope as the years go, I’ll start to be a bit more coherent.

As stated in my post last year about being 21, I’ll probably contradict most of what I write here in a year, but in the immoral words of Rihanna, “Cheers to the freakin’ weekend.”

1. Power of feeling.

I have been wrestling with feeling and logic (choice). Which one has merit? Which do I trust more? I have to recognize that feelings are fleeting. Sometimes, we cannot trust our feelings because we might not even know them. And yet... There’s something not quite satisfying with that answer, right?. There’s something missing when you discredit feelings. So, here’s what I’ve learned: all life experiences are feelings. To experience something is to have a feeling through an event. Feelings are what make us so wonderfully human. Further, our ability to express and share (through language and cognitive processes) differ us from other animals. So, why did I discredit them? I lived a life where feelings were everything, and like a pendulum, I made a conscious effort to never live like that again. But that’s dangerous: to make anything outside of God everything. Logic cannot be everything just like feelings cannot be everything. In fact, God feels for/towards us. In attempt to not be a certain way, I neglected and discredited a very important part of human life. Feelings are not everything, but if my goal is to be more Christ-like, I have to recognize that feelings are a huge part of who He is. And, yes, I’m mainly referring to love. It is a choice, but God loves us not by choice, but by character, who is He. And God is both the creator of feelings and logic.

2. I like when people walk into their songs with their high heels on.

Jordin Sparks, “One Step at a Time,” or Kelly Clarkson’s newest song, “Minute(intro).” Also, it was done in the Zombies’, “The Way I Feel Inside” (though, dress shoes, not high heels, but also including a penny dropping at the end). Maybe I like laughing in songs, too. Except the pseudo-laughing can bother me a bit, too self-aware(?). My fascination with sounds included in songs started in fifth grade. There was a Monkee’s song that included a train moving, “Randy Scouse Git” (which, listening to while writing this blog was both parts nostalgic and disappointing. It was, in fact, not a train, but drums.)

She's so cool, gravity can't even tell her how to live.

3. Being yourself is a form of humility.

My dad told me when I was a little girl, “If a guy doesn’t like you for you, don’t bother.” It seems elementary, right? Well, good because he told me when I was I elementary school. But, I’ve applied this to most areas in my life. Think: the body of Christ. If an employer doesn’t like me, why would I want to work for them? This has less to do with pride, and more to do with humility. If I recognize, I’m not a good fit for everybody, why would I change myself when there is somebody else who would be a better match, naturally? And if that holds true, then the reversed is true, too. I will be a match for a company, relationship, position, task, etc. as I am, naturally.

4 am the day of our triathlon. 

The face of a winner. 

4. The power of reality.

We discredit the wonder of reality. We say things like, “Yeah, but it would have been fine either way.” But, see, there was only one way that actually happened, and that’s reality. So, in that very, specific notion, we are living in a time that is quite magical.

 5. Secrets for yourself.

Do things that only you and God know. Honestly, it has given me a weird joy (riveting!) in knowing I am capable of being a mystery—even if my secret is super lame. Examples: set an alarm for a specific time every day/night just to recognize that time each day/night. (No, that’s not mine, but I might start doing it for fun).

6. Being known.

I grew up moving a lot, and I was home schooled. My best friends were my siblings. When they moved out, I didn’t know how to trust others or let them close. At the same time, my parents were divorcing, so I didn’t really want to be known (if it ended in hurt). So, I hid myself. Some of you reading this will probably think I wear my heart on my sleeve, but just because a person talks a lot doesn’t equate opening up. My dreams, after high school and college included moving, far, far, far away, and frequently. The nomadic lifestyle was for me. Or so I thought. Then around senior year of high school, I got close to three people. When I went to college, I started to slip into the same hiddenness (I thought I loved). Instead, by the will of God, I was given community—stronger than before. I look at my life, and I am blown away when I hear myself say: I want to be known by others, and I want to know others. This love and craving for community is actually shaping my career decisions. Trust me, I’m still wrestling with feeling weak because I want to be close to others. But the tension of my old self feeling uncomfortable with my new[er] self is a beautiful one, and leads in becoming more Christ-like. 

7. “With or Without You” by U2.

Honestly, this is the most depressing and romantic song ever. I CAN’T DECIDE: Do I walk down the isle to this song, or do I cry with double-stuffed Oreos and Pinot Noir? 

8. Dichotomies and binaries.

Coffee is perfect. Wine has its place and time. Dogs teach you how to love something that will always love you back—loyalty. Cats teach you how to love something that may not love you back—conditional. Men and Women reveal different aspects of God’s character. The world needs “The Other” for a full understanding of life.

9. Vulnerability is boldness.

Your vulnerability might not change anything, but it is empowering to share. Don’t regret not saying how you feel, even if it is thrown the curb. Sharing just makes you stronger and more open. A closed person is not a Christ-like person. Jesus was rejected, and that didn’t stop him from remaining open. The key is to stay open without becoming calloused. Our world likes to tell us that it is cool and attractive to be hard and oh-so very misunderstood. Instead, be vulnerable, be open, be heard, and most importantly, be ready to change.

10. Patience is just trusting in action

(See last post written during finals week about career, relationships, school).

 11. Pick a person that makes going to the grocery store fun.

When it comes to dating, my roommates and I started saying this to each other because life is made up of grocery stores and gas stations. And it matters more about the person and less about the date. I’ve had my fair share of dates (good and bad), and I can say from experience: the who matters more than the what. 100 percent. Always. Don’t compromise. Have high standards because if it doesn’t work out with one, the higher the standards and the more patience (thereafter) the final result will prove worth it.

12. Diamond Green Light, Strike on Box Matches.

These little suckers are by far the most satisfying matches I have ever purchased. This sounds dumb, but for other pyromaniacs out there, buy them. They will burn down to your fingertips if you let them. Trust me, that’s incredibly rare.

 13. Puzzles are extremely underrated.

14. Vocalize your dreams.

Don’t let the fear of your dreams not coming true be an preventative of dreaming—out loud or at all. I want to do a MFA program in Europe one day. I want a Great Dane. I want to make a beautiful tiered cake and croissants from scratch. I want to go to the Sundance Film Festival and maybe even compete. I used to be embarrassed to share my dreams in case they didn’t happen, but some times dreams change and other times they just don’t happen, and who cares? Dream up something else.

 15. Don’t let the fear of disappointing others keep you from obeying.

I’ve almost made a lot of decisions based on other people’s opinion, completely disregarding the Holy Spirit’s guidance. I’ll tell you something, pleasing God is way more satisfying than pleasing my friends, family, or mentors.

 16. Gospel reveals where you lack.

The area you struggle in (forgiving, generosity, loving, etc.) is the area of the Gospel you do not recognize in your own life. If you knew the extent of forgiveness God gave, you’d forgive more easily. If you knew how generous God is towards His children, you’d give more easily. Let the Gospel work as a mirror, reflecting what He’s done for you onto your decisions and actions towards others.

17. I cannot fix every world, national, or local problem.

Instead, I ask: “What is my role and responsibility right now?” 

 18. A new way to say, “Hi!”

"What’s new Pussycat?” in the best Tom Jones voice. Say it to at least one person everyday. I promise it will be [one of] the best decision[s] of your day. A few people you should not say it to: Women's Studies Professor, your boss when she's in a meeting and the door is closed and you think she's just relaxing, so you barge in (not good), the foreign exchange student who works at the student store because then you're stuck explaining something that could be potentially offensive. A few people you should say it to: everybody else.  Promise. Money-back guarantee.

 19. Just do it, but with people.

I was asked about my favorite college memories, and all involved when I just said yes. Truly excuses (especially money) is so not worth it. The only thing keeping you from actually doing something, is saying yes. 

Cue list of cool things I’ve experienced: 

I saw a live tarantula on a night hike. I went to Europe. I received fourteen stiches on the forehead by jumping into a pond in 30 degree weather. I’ve peed and danced in/on top of places inappropriate for both. I worked for MasterChef Jr. I stole a live duck for a prank. I fell off a cliff. I mattress surfed on campus staircases. I kissed underwater. I have numerous pen-pals across the nation and world. I traveled to random states over the weekend for good coffee. I filmed my own shorts, and I won in competitions. I laughed so hard I threw up. I completed an Olympic triathlon. I cooked six boxes of spaghetti just to throw all over a room because of a poem I really enjoyed. I have summited five 14ers in one weekend. I witnessed a guy rip his pants on a first date. I visited national parks. I’ve started many fires. I’ve shot lots of guns. I jumped off and into waterfalls. I interned for a film company. I saw under stars. I've had glow-stick parties, scaring seven year olds in the process. And so much more.

I just did it, but with people. 

Every memory above includes the most genuine friendships and/or people that have greatly impacted me. It's not all of my favorite memories, but a short list. See, Nike has it 50% right. If you want to do it, just do it, but remember: it’s not the what; it’s the who that matters.

 20. Don’t be the weird spider girl.

Establish a relationship with people before you open up about your love for bugs (specifically, spiders). This might sound like a ‘ha-ha-ha-yeah” thing to dismiss. LISTEN. I promise. This is important. If you don’t establish some credible mental stability—and I’m serious—you will be known as the weird, spider girl. I have made this mistake, and people have actually treated me differently for my love of spiders.

 21. The difference between if and how.

When you love somebody and hardships come, I’ve learned it’s not a question, “If we’ll get through this;” it is, “How are we going to get through this?” Natural feels so dang great in reference to commitment.


 22. God is a jealous God.

Not because He needs us (He is self-sufficient), but because He knows He is the only thing that satisfies us. God being jealous for us is the most loving behavior.

And now for the P.S. section where I tell my fans this year's Chloé fun facts:

  A. I switched to Google Chrome today.
  B. I decided to be a hockey fan this year (Golden Knights).

   C. Lorde’s Melodrama makes me sassy.

  D. My plant family is officially nine (Crispy, Swank, Pixie, Pickle, Whimsy, Pete, Flynn, Clue, and Brave).

  E. This year, I was told: “You are disgusting.” (Note the period. The fact. The declaration. This statement of character.)

  F. I think I'm actually allergic to something in pesto, but I eat a lot of it. And, I know what you're thinking, "Nobody eats a lot of pesto." Hahaha. Okay.

And, fam, that's it.

Of course, per usual my birthday post ending on a birthday selfie:

I set a timer so I could put both hands in it.