Waiting for Green (Alt. Title: Ugh, Another Post Grad Blog?)

This blog will not be me saying, “remain steadfast in the waiting because God has a plan for you eventually.”

On the contrary, I would like to posit: there is no such thing as a waiting time. I’ll explain.

I am impatient. This impatience is just the manifestation of my worry. I want things quickly, so I can be two things: satisfied and at peace.

In just about every area of my post grad life, I had no stability. Nothing was settled. Nothing was secure. And worse, nothing was known.

For about eight days, I had been sleeping on couches and floors because I was applying for jobs, filming a wedding, and attending holiday functions. I physically, emotionally, and spiritually crashed hard.

I was so confused by God. Why did He lead me here (this physical, mental, and emotional place) if nothing was safe?

The lord said to Gideon, “You have too many men. I cannot deliver Midian into their hands, or Israel would boast against me, ‘My own strength has saved me.’ Judges 7:2

God doesn’t keep us dangling because He needs to be the superhero that comes in last minute to save us. However, He is a jealous God because He loves us. He wants the credit because He knows we cannot do it without Him.

First, He knows nothing else will satisfy us. God, being perfect love, is the best for us. So, the first part to rid my impatience is to rest in assurance; His timing is perfect. Trying to do anything on my own, manipulating situations, and not trusting Him will lead to [even more] unsatisfying results.

Second, God doesn’t keep us dangling at all.  In fact, I don’t believe there is such thing as a waiting time, at least not in the traditional sense. Here’s what I mean. For a long time, I’ve been taught to remain faithful in the waiting. It was described as a place where we are supposed to continue—a sort of going through the motions—to do what God calls us to do until the next thing happens. I think, in good spirit, people teach that we’re supposed to remain. Now, here’s the problem with this mentality—this continuing through the hardships—it has a sort of underlining unsatisfied mentality doesn’t it? I can feel my heart saying, “I’ll be faithful in this because the good is yet to come.” (Biblically this is referring to Christ's coming and Christ's second coming, not a lighter load on earth). 

In fact, this trickles into another area God has been revealing, which is the importance of feeling not just obedience (logic). I think we should obey regardless of how we feel, but we should use that obedience as a catalyst to feel at peace. Obedience in trusting is not the end stop; it is the fire we use  to experience God's peace.

Think: what if the good is now? What if this notion of waiting was a pseudo-peace we created? 

What if there was no such thing as waiting just being? 

You can decide to waste being on waiting.

Instead, what if you spent your “waiting” by living? Actually utilizing all opportunities. Can you image the energy, the people, the places, and the experiences?

I often think back to something my pastor once said. He told a story about a woman.  Before a hardship, she was extremely merciful, sweet, gentle, etc. After her hardship, she lost her virtues.

Hear me, I'm not saying fake happiness. 

I’m saying: I don’t want to be a person of genuine virtue, integrity, joy, and kindness when things are good for me. Behaving well just when I get what I want.

I want to look back on the hard times, the uncertainty, un-sureness, the fear, and the unsettling moments with virtue—a manifestation of my trust in the Father. 

I don’t want to exemplify that trust only when things go my way.

Joy is closer to peace than it is to happiness. Joy is saying regardless of the circumstances, I’m trusting in the Lord. I’m giving Him my everything—the good, the bad, and the in between (waiting).

Buddhism teaches this sort of peace. They don’t view suffering as bad. Suffering is suffering; it is a part of life. Instead of wallowing in it, waiting for it to end, you are to find the peace within yourself. Do not be afraid or scared of the suffering. Embrace the suffering as it is, in that acceptance you find inner peace. 

Now, as a Christian, I don’t believe we have that peace within us. I don’t believe we can ever train hard enough, think long enough, mediate well enough, or learn enough to acquire it. But I do believe there is a loving God who graciously gives us peace, even—and here’s the scandalous nature of His love and peace—especially when we created the havoc in the first place.

I think Paul exemplifies the peace that the Buddhists and other Christians talk about. I think everybody is in need of it, searching for it. In the midst of hell on earth, there are accounts of Paul remaining faithful. But here’s the difference. It’s not complacency. It’s a peace that moved Paul. It’s a peace that pushed Paul into action. The peace of God actually gave Paul purpose in his time of suffering. He didn’t “wait out the suffering.” He lived out the suffering.

So maybe you’re waiting for a job. Maybe you’re single and waiting for a significant other. Maybe you’re waiting to graduate. 

These are all beautiful gifts from God, but they should not grow into distractions from God and His calling to do Kingdom work. In fact, the moment their existence (or lack thereof) becomes the reason you aren't active in your pursuit or purpose set before you, you actually begin to abuse their very nature.  No job, no person, no freedom, no ____ can satisfy your soul. 

Hence, I think waiting can be dangerous. If you’re stuck with a waiting mentality, you’ll miss the living now. Look at your circumstances as a place to learn, to heal, to teach, to serve, to know, and to be known. Don’t miss what is right in front of you. You don’t want to be the one that actually gets what you want, but in the process wasted three years waiting for it.

I don’t believe in waiting. I believe in accepting where I am, if it’s pain or suffering, trusting the Lord will heal and restore, and actively living in the now.

I want to end on this: I think waiting in the Biblical sense is an active trusting. It is not a helpless, dormant life. And, I think this active trusting is where one will find a satisfying and peaceful life regardless of the circumstances.

Psalm 27:14 

Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord

This is slightly irrelevant. I didn’t want to include it in the main blog portion, but food for thought:

I think the only one who can actually wait is God because unlike us, He is the only one who is in control of time. 

We are supposed to accept and trust His timing. 

But! Can God really “wait”? In the sense, is it waiting if He controls time? It’s not so much "waiting" as it is "how He wants it." It is simply: His timing. Maybe in the literal sense, it is waiting because it is a pause... but that’s an awfully limited perspective—to think something is on a pause because it’s not when we would have it done.  We only know our own lives and our very small understanding of time. I mean, if God has perfect timing, can He even “wait”? Or is it just His timing is perfect and so the notion of waiting is formed by humans who just cannot agree or simply cannot fathom His timing? 

Green Light (Seattle, WA)

add insult to injury, this girl keeps going 22 years later... & I won't stop.

It’s that time of the year! The time where I pretend to hold some kind of merit in your life, enough to waste ten minutes of reading and offer some kind of wisdom that will transcend the text and apply to your soul. I envision myself as an Oprah-esque figure. Except, instead of gifts that could actually make your life more convenient, I just share my awkward life experiences with you over the past year.

Also, I have to apologize. I tried reading last year’s post. And guys, I’m crazy. I can’t even understand what I was thinking, and it was in my head. I just hope as the years go, I’ll start to be a bit more coherent.

As stated in my post last year about being 21, I’ll probably contradict most of what I write here in a year, but in the immoral words of Rihanna, “Cheers to the freakin’ weekend.”

1. Power of feeling.

I have been wrestling with feeling and logic (choice). Which one has merit? Which do I trust more? I have to recognize that feelings are fleeting. Sometimes, we cannot trust our feelings because we might not even know them. And yet... There’s something not quite satisfying with that answer, right?. There’s something missing when you discredit feelings. So, here’s what I’ve learned: all life experiences are feelings. To experience something is to have a feeling through an event. Feelings are what make us so wonderfully human. Further, our ability to express and share (through language and cognitive processes) differ us from other animals. So, why did I discredit them? I lived a life where feelings were everything, and like a pendulum, I made a conscious effort to never live like that again. But that’s dangerous: to make anything outside of God everything. Logic cannot be everything just like feelings cannot be everything. In fact, God feels for/towards us. In attempt to not be a certain way, I neglected and discredited a very important part of human life. Feelings are not everything, but if my goal is to be more Christ-like, I have to recognize that feelings are a huge part of who He is. And, yes, I’m mainly referring to love. It is a choice, but God loves us not by choice, but by character, who is He. And God is both the creator of feelings and logic.

2. I like when people walk into their songs with their high heels on.

Jordin Sparks, “One Step at a Time,” or Kelly Clarkson’s newest song, “Minute(intro).” Also, it was done in the Zombies’, “The Way I Feel Inside” (though, dress shoes, not high heels, but also including a penny dropping at the end). Maybe I like laughing in songs, too. Except the pseudo-laughing can bother me a bit, too self-aware(?). My fascination with sounds included in songs started in fifth grade. There was a Monkee’s song that included a train moving, “Randy Scouse Git” (which, listening to while writing this blog was both parts nostalgic and disappointing. It was, in fact, not a train, but drums.)

She's so cool, gravity can't even tell her how to live.

3. Being yourself is a form of humility.

My dad told me when I was a little girl, “If a guy doesn’t like you for you, don’t bother.” It seems elementary, right? Well, good because he told me when I was I elementary school. But, I’ve applied this to most areas in my life. Think: the body of Christ. If an employer doesn’t like me, why would I want to work for them? This has less to do with pride, and more to do with humility. If I recognize, I’m not a good fit for everybody, why would I change myself when there is somebody else who would be a better match, naturally? And if that holds true, then the reversed is true, too. I will be a match for a company, relationship, position, task, etc. as I am, naturally.

4 am the day of our triathlon. 

The face of a winner. 

4. The power of reality.

We discredit the wonder of reality. We say things like, “Yeah, but it would have been fine either way.” But, see, there was only one way that actually happened, and that’s reality. So, in that very, specific notion, we are living in a time that is quite magical.

 5. Secrets for yourself.

Do things that only you and God know. Honestly, it has given me a weird joy (riveting!) in knowing I am capable of being a mystery—even if my secret is super lame. Examples: set an alarm for a specific time every day/night just to recognize that time each day/night. (No, that’s not mine, but I might start doing it for fun).

6. Being known.

I grew up moving a lot, and I was home schooled. My best friends were my siblings. When they moved out, I didn’t know how to trust others or let them close. At the same time, my parents were divorcing, so I didn’t really want to be known (if it ended in hurt). So, I hid myself. Some of you reading this will probably think I wear my heart on my sleeve, but just because a person talks a lot doesn’t equate opening up. My dreams, after high school and college included moving, far, far, far away, and frequently. The nomadic lifestyle was for me. Or so I thought. Then around senior year of high school, I got close to three people. When I went to college, I started to slip into the same hiddenness (I thought I loved). Instead, by the will of God, I was given community—stronger than before. I look at my life, and I am blown away when I hear myself say: I want to be known by others, and I want to know others. This love and craving for community is actually shaping my career decisions. Trust me, I’m still wrestling with feeling weak because I want to be close to others. But the tension of my old self feeling uncomfortable with my new[er] self is a beautiful one, and leads in becoming more Christ-like. 

7. “With or Without You” by U2.

Honestly, this is the most depressing and romantic song ever. I CAN’T DECIDE: Do I walk down the isle to this song, or do I cry with double-stuffed Oreos and Pinot Noir? 

8. Dichotomies and binaries.

Coffee is perfect. Wine has its place and time. Dogs teach you how to love something that will always love you back—loyalty. Cats teach you how to love something that may not love you back—conditional. Men and Women reveal different aspects of God’s character. The world needs “The Other” for a full understanding of life.

9. Vulnerability is boldness.

Your vulnerability might not change anything, but it is empowering to share. Don’t regret not saying how you feel, even if it is thrown the curb. Sharing just makes you stronger and more open. A closed person is not a Christ-like person. Jesus was rejected, and that didn’t stop him from remaining open. The key is to stay open without becoming calloused. Our world likes to tell us that it is cool and attractive to be hard and oh-so very misunderstood. Instead, be vulnerable, be open, be heard, and most importantly, be ready to change.

10. Patience is just trusting in action

(See last post written during finals week about career, relationships, school).

 11. Pick a person that makes going to the grocery store fun.

When it comes to dating, my roommates and I started saying this to each other because life is made up of grocery stores and gas stations. And it matters more about the person and less about the date. I’ve had my fair share of dates (good and bad), and I can say from experience: the who matters more than the what. 100 percent. Always. Don’t compromise. Have high standards because if it doesn’t work out with one, the higher the standards and the more patience (thereafter) the final result will prove worth it.

12. Diamond Green Light, Strike on Box Matches.

These little suckers are by far the most satisfying matches I have ever purchased. This sounds dumb, but for other pyromaniacs out there, buy them. They will burn down to your fingertips if you let them. Trust me, that’s incredibly rare.

 13. Puzzles are extremely underrated.

14. Vocalize your dreams.

Don’t let the fear of your dreams not coming true be an preventative of dreaming—out loud or at all. I want to do a MFA program in Europe one day. I want a Great Dane. I want to make a beautiful tiered cake and croissants from scratch. I want to go to the Sundance Film Festival and maybe even compete. I used to be embarrassed to share my dreams in case they didn’t happen, but some times dreams change and other times they just don’t happen, and who cares? Dream up something else.

 15. Don’t let the fear of disappointing others keep you from obeying.

I’ve almost made a lot of decisions based on other people’s opinion, completely disregarding the Holy Spirit’s guidance. I’ll tell you something, pleasing God is way more satisfying than pleasing my friends, family, or mentors.

 16. Gospel reveals where you lack.

The area you struggle in (forgiving, generosity, loving, etc.) is the area of the Gospel you do not recognize in your own life. If you knew the extent of forgiveness God gave, you’d forgive more easily. If you knew how generous God is towards His children, you’d give more easily. Let the Gospel work as a mirror, reflecting what He’s done for you onto your decisions and actions towards others.

17. I cannot fix every world, national, or local problem.

Instead, I ask: “What is my role and responsibility right now?” 

 18. A new way to say, “Hi!”

"What’s new Pussycat?” in the best Tom Jones voice. Say it to at least one person everyday. I promise it will be [one of] the best decision[s] of your day. A few people you should not say it to: Women's Studies Professor, your boss when she's in a meeting and the door is closed and you think she's just relaxing, so you barge in (not good), the foreign exchange student who works at the student store because then you're stuck explaining something that could be potentially offensive. A few people you should say it to: everybody else.  Promise. Money-back guarantee.

 19. Just do it, but with people.

I was asked about my favorite college memories, and all involved when I just said yes. Truly excuses (especially money) is so not worth it. The only thing keeping you from actually doing something, is saying yes. 

Cue list of cool things I’ve experienced: 

I saw a live tarantula on a night hike. I went to Europe. I received fourteen stiches on the forehead by jumping into a pond in 30 degree weather. I’ve peed and danced in/on top of places inappropriate for both. I worked for MasterChef Jr. I stole a live duck for a prank. I fell off a cliff. I mattress surfed on campus staircases. I kissed underwater. I have numerous pen-pals across the nation and world. I traveled to random states over the weekend for good coffee. I filmed my own shorts, and I won in competitions. I laughed so hard I threw up. I completed an Olympic triathlon. I cooked six boxes of spaghetti just to throw all over a room because of a poem I really enjoyed. I have summited five 14ers in one weekend. I witnessed a guy rip his pants on a first date. I visited national parks. I’ve started many fires. I’ve shot lots of guns. I jumped off and into waterfalls. I interned for a film company. I saw under stars. I've had glow-stick parties, scaring seven year olds in the process. And so much more.

I just did it, but with people. 

Every memory above includes the most genuine friendships and/or people that have greatly impacted me. It's not all of my favorite memories, but a short list. See, Nike has it 50% right. If you want to do it, just do it, but remember: it’s not the what; it’s the who that matters.

 20. Don’t be the weird spider girl.

Establish a relationship with people before you open up about your love for bugs (specifically, spiders). This might sound like a ‘ha-ha-ha-yeah” thing to dismiss. LISTEN. I promise. This is important. If you don’t establish some credible mental stability—and I’m serious—you will be known as the weird, spider girl. I have made this mistake, and people have actually treated me differently for my love of spiders.

 21. The difference between if and how.

When you love somebody and hardships come, I’ve learned it’s not a question, “If we’ll get through this;” it is, “How are we going to get through this?” Natural feels so dang great in reference to commitment.


 22. God is a jealous God.

Not because He needs us (He is self-sufficient), but because He knows He is the only thing that satisfies us. God being jealous for us is the most loving behavior.

And now for the P.S. section where I tell my fans this year's Chloé fun facts:

  A. I switched to Google Chrome today.
  B. I decided to be a hockey fan this year (Golden Knights).

   C. Lorde’s Melodrama makes me sassy.

  D. My plant family is officially nine (Crispy, Swank, Pixie, Pickle, Whimsy, Pete, Flynn, Clue, and Brave).

  E. This year, I was told: “You are disgusting.” (Note the period. The fact. The declaration. This statement of character.)

  F. I think I'm actually allergic to something in pesto, but I eat a lot of it. And, I know what you're thinking, "Nobody eats a lot of pesto." Hahaha. Okay.

And, fam, that's it.

Of course, per usual my birthday post ending on a birthday selfie:

I set a timer so I could put both hands in it.