Get mad at Reese Witherspoon.

I’m just going to get straight to the point.  I got into a car accident today.  It sucked.  The other driver was in the wrong, a sixteen year old with a sketchy temporary (paper) license.  To put lightly, I was frustrated. Very. Because of his negligence, we both suffered.  I was shaken, annoyed, crying, upset, pissed, worried, and frantic.  Was anybody hurt?  What do I do?  Who do I call?  I can’t afford this.  I don’t live here.  I just want to go home.  What happens now? 

Well, here’s what happens: 

Call the police.

Police show up.

Get statements.

Get information. 

Police Officer 1 tells me, “It’s okay, sweetie, stop crying. Everything will be just fine.  Thank God everybody is safe.”

Keep crying.

Police Officer 1 says, “Everybody from Oklahoma is so sweet.  You’re going to be okay.”

Keep crying.

Police Officer 2 shows up.  Tells Police Officer 1 to leave, and that he’s got it from here. Tells me to “Stop crying. What happened?”

Immediately, do not like Police Officer 2.

Hug Police Officer 1 before he leaves.  Probably too aggressive.  Awkward, but much needed.

Drives home.

Cries on couch.

Cries to best friend.

Cries in the shower.

Wonders why so much crying.

Remembers to change her tampon.

Crying makes sense.

Contemplates life.

Feels defeated.

Wants to be alone.

Little sister doing cartwheels in living room.

Instant urge to trip her.

Doesn’t.

Looks at Instagram.

Gets mad at Reese Witherspoon.

She probably has a personal driver.

Gets off Instagram.

Contemplates life more.

Tries to get positive juices flowing.
Hates the thought of  any "juice" flowing.

Thinks, there’s gotta be some good out of this

Yes. (list inside a list):

            Nobody was hurt.

            I’ll be a better driver because of this.

            I know what to do in this situation.

            My car and I have matching scars.

            Got to hug a police officer.  

            Excuse to never listen to Britt Nicole again.

            Everything will be fine. Literally.

When people refer to life as, “it is what it is” it’s usually choked with negativity or defeat.  But really, it’s opportunistic.  It is what it is.  There’s nothing defeating about that.  We can complain about our lives, or accept it and find an eternal peace in it. For those who decide to read this and are going through way harder times than a car accident (and I know many of you are) it will be okay.  This isn’t like a passing statement.  I know I’ve written about this before, but “okay” just means normal.  And that might mean you have to find a new normal.  But normalization will come.  

My dad’s wife said, “Chloé, this is day-by-day.  Don’t make a storm out of everything.  If you do, you’ll be old sooner.”  She handed me a glass with ice water and one package of Splenda (I didn’t question it) and left me with those words. And so will I.

(This did not happen from the wreck.  Just showing the similar scars.)

The Evolution of My Communication

One of humanity’s biggest challenge is tact.  Well, okay.  Hold on.  I can hear everybody now, “Chloé, don’t be dramatic.”  Let me rephrase that, one of our generation’s biggest challenge is tact.  Okay! Okay! I get it, everybody just calm down.  The truth is, one of my biggest challenge is tact.  Some people have a natural gift of tact.  I don’t. 

Like an eighth grade essay, “Webster’s Dictionary defines tact as: a keen sense of what to do or say in order to maintain good relations with others or avoid offense.  And we all know Martin Luther King Jr. said it best…” Okay, I took that joke too far. I probably confused half of my readers by now.  Before I move on, I'll explain the joke: usually eighth grade essays open with definitions and then proceed to quote somebody famous, and Martin Luther King Jr. was amongst the most popular.  But maybe that was just me.  And what do I know?  I had a crush on Christopher Walken in the eighth grade, so I’m not really sure how well I related to the average eighth grader…

I mean, I wasn't wrong

He is a some kind of sexy

Confused? Good, I’m making my point already.

There was a song called “Bite My Tongue” by Relient K and the lyrics helped me a lot in middle school. Sitting at a solid 20, and the song still resonates strongly. However, about a decade ago it was how to keep quiet when I just wanted to argue with my parents.  And let me tell you, it worked. 

Yeah, I gotta keep quiet, quiet

Don't let it all come undone

Cause if I dare open my mouth

It'll just be to bite my tongue

To bite my tongue

It seems I'm always close-minded with an open mouth

And the worst of me seems to come right out

But I've never broken bones with a stone or a stick

But I'll conjure up a phrase that can cut to the quick

But now, instead of learning to shut up, I’ve been learning to open my mouth.  See, for the longest time, I needed to learn how to genuinely let go of stupid arguments.  I needed to obey my parents and respect their decisions.  As a fourteen year-old, it worked wonders.  However, being an extremist, I began to create a pretty destructive habit: apathy.  When people started to argue or even hurt my feelings, I just got really quiet.  It was directly related to pride, “this argument isn’t worth my time” or “this person isn’t worth my feelings.” I would let go but to the extent of losing people close to my heart.

So I began to open up, and fight for the relationships I cared most about. 

Warning: it’s about to get real vulnerable all up in here… but that’s the point of these right? So people can find encouragement/relate, and I can write my thoughts out (mostly the latter).

It began in tenth grade; I had a decision to live with other relatives instead of my dad.  I decided to stay with my dad, because I felt God press on my heart, “Chloé, you’ve got one dad. You need to learn how to work stuff out.” 

So I did.  And holy crap it was hard.  Well, that was an understatement. It was one of the hardest things I have ever chosen.  And that statement was very intentional; “chosen” is the key word. There were many options, but I chose that one. Man, did I grow.  I learned to communicate, but it was difficult. 

If my dad began to argue, it took a long time for me to not walk away, shut the door to my room, and seclude myself for hours until it just passed.  I genuinely thought it was better to walk away than fight.  In some situations, it could be.  But this in this situation, it caused apathy. 

After managing to stay in the same room as him, I would just sit in silence ignoring everything he had to say. When he finally stopped talking, I would eventually leave. 

Soon I was shouting back.  I would yell, and throw tantrums, hurtful phrases, other miscellaneous objects, and God forbid, a few cuss words.  But it was communication, nonetheless.  Not effective, but I was finally putting some energy towards us. 

Not too long after, I realized the key to communicating is listening. That was the biggest step I took.  I would listen to understand and gain perspective.

Finally, by the time I graduated, I can honestly say I learned how to communicate pretty well with him.  By no means are we perfect, but as Joyce Meyer (and my angsty Facebook profile picture) would say, “I’m not where I need to be, but thank God I’m not where I used to be.”

Cue actual angsty Facebook post.

Now how does this relate to the Relient K’s song?  Well, I went from an awkward middle schooler listening to the advice to bite my tongue and tame it with respect, to a young adult who is learning how to argue for the people she cares the most about.  I’m learning a new lesson; it’s called tact. 

I'm not saying I don't still struggle with my past communication problems:

            A tween mindlessly arguing

            An adolescent creating apathetic chasms between the ones she loves

            A hormonal high schooler trying to hear her own pain out loud

But it's evolved to a new challenge, and that’s knowing when and how to communicate—speaking up about the things that matter to me the most and  the people who matter to me the most.

In other (more famous and catchy) words:

I was gonna spell it out

In detail but

I dropped the call

Before I spilled my guts

The floor stayed clean

Like my conscience would be

'Cause if you heard anything

You didn't hear it from me

…

And I need some time

To search my mind

To locate the words

That seem so hard to find

And sometimes I say things that

I wish that I could take back

The most crucial thing I lack is the thing called ‘tact’

I’m learning.  I’m growing.  I’m figuring out that fighting for somebody is worth it even if it seems stupid.  If I’m confronting you about something, it’s because I genuinely care.

The Lumineers wrote a lyric that influenced a lot of my change.  It says, “the opposite of love is indifference.”  And the more I’ve studied and grown, I see so much truth in that.  Hate is passion and energy.  Indifference is literally not caring--completely giving up.  My experience with my dad is a perfect example of this.  The moment I realized I had become apathetic was the moment I was in danger.  When the arguing began, that was the next step to recovery.  (Obviously, don't stop there.)  

I think that’s why I am so quick to speak up and say those awkward things.  Apathy is a dangerous thing.  So I need tact.  I need to grow in this area, and hopefully years from now, I can write about the growth in it, too.  

Even so, I'm realizing, it’s not me who should be doing all the mending.  I need to let some things god and fight for others.  All the while, giving it to God for peace and restoration.

Which brings me to the most important lyrics of the song:

Yeah I gotta keep quiet quiet

Listen to your voice

Because the power of your words

Can repair all that I destroyed

I cannot go back to how I’ve reacted to my feelings. And honestly, I’m really glad I can’t.  I’ve grown. Hopefully the people I’ve offended or misunderstood grew, too. 

I can pray for restoration and hope things get better. 

In the past two weeks, I feel like my tact has been completely off.  From justifying myself to my siblings about really heavy things to expressing myself to new friends about really stupid things—and everywhere in between.  Trust me, there’s a lot.  I’ve failed.  And I kinda hate it, but I mostly love it.  I’ve been humbled.  And shoot, there’s nothing more humbling than realizing my intentions may be right, but my tactic was way off.

“Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.”

-Martin Luther King Jr.

—Chloé Zoellner

This has no significance, OTHER THAN THE FACT THAT I AM HUGGING RELIENT K'S MAIN SINGER MATT THIESSEN.  

The Stigma with Christianity

I love learning.  When I use the word “love” in that sentence, I mean it.  I love learning.  I love being corrected, I love expanding my mind, I love exposing myself to knew ways of thought, I love learning things I will never use, I love listening to what people are passionate about—I love learning. 

I love culture.  When I use the word “love” in that sentence, I mean it.  I love culture.  I love different skin colors, I love different foods, I love different languages, I love different philosophies, I love different traditions—I love culture.

I am an intelligent person.  I say this with humility—the literal definition of humility: an accurate view of oneself.  It would not be accurate to say I am a genius or a prodigy.  It would not be accurate to say I am vapid or ignorant.  I seek knowledge, and with great awareness of all nine types of intelligence (shout out to Gardner), I am confident to make the claim: I am smart.

I was asked what persecution American Christians are faced with daily. 

Christians’ persecution in America may not be as physical as others around the world, but I believe our persecution can have the same damaging effect on a believer and their call to action.

This is the major stigma associated with Christianity, in regards to college life and in the classroom: Christianity is ignorance.  Christians are not intelligent.

I am fully aware all religions have stigmas and stereotypes.  I am also fully aware that stigmas and stereotypes are based on some degree of truth.  That’s why I am going to address Christians first. 

Christians, there is a reason this stigma exists.  Faith is not an excuse for simple thinking.  Faith is not accepting everything taught behind a pulpit.  Faith is not a box to lock your brain and contemplation inside—never capable of expansion or question.

Second, why do we believe our Christianity is the right Christianity?  I’m addressing the western thinkers who believe ‘Mercia Christianity is the “right” Christianity. Christianity did not begin in the west.  It began in a completely different way of thought: east.  It moved to the west, and we have taken it upon ourselves to filter Christianity through the western (individualistic/superior) paradigm.

We need to recognize there is a world out there.  A world that believes and worships the same God as we do.  A world where Christianity isn’t filtered through the western paradigm but is outside all paradigms—equally offensive and equally hopeful to all cultures and all people and all ways of life. You may ask, Offensive?  Christianity calls all people to live uncomfortably and against their worldly desires. (And for those who got offended by that—every religion calls for change and growth contradicting our worldly behavior and thought.)

Timothy Keller says:

Contrary to popular opinion, then, Christianity is not a Western religion that destroys local cultures.  Rather, Christianity has taken more culturally diverse forms than other faiths” (Reason for God).

This stigma of religion, specifically Christianity, derives from closed-minded believers who are cannot defend their faith by living it out.  And if you are a Christian—that simply looks like loving others unconditionally.  A claim like “love” needs a disclosure: Love isn’t always tolerable and accepting.  Like any parent that cares for their child, there are guidelines and restrictions to protect somebody. 

If you love somebody, truly love him or her, you would want him or her to be healthy and safe.  You would not tolerate harmful addictions or behavior.  Just because you do not support those addictions and/or behavior doesn’t mean you don’t accept them and (inevitably) love them.  You just want them to be safe.

This isn’t ignorance and idiocy.  It is a heart that loves deeper than the temporary comfortable behavior that is ultimately destructive. 

I am currently a student in college, majoring in English and minoring in Philosophy.  In both fields of study, I am finding it is becoming less and less credible to be a practicing Christian.  Religious? No, not really.  Mainly, just Christianity.  Why? What I’ve concluded is simple--trends.  We grow up in a culture that emphasizes individuality (me, myself, and I).   We’re told to “do great things with our abilities, stand out, and never be average.”  How does this relate to Christianity?  Well, if we grow up with Christianity being one of the most popular religions in the states, it’s not trendy enough.  It’s not unique enough.

Around the world, practicing Christians do not face this stigma, because it is considered a bold and beautiful act to go against the norm.

I’ve come to discover, true Christianity that is devoted to God and its religious text, is not even close to the “Christianity” that is portrayed so frequently.  It is a beautiful religion.  It is sacred and loving and cherishes the outcasts and nourishes the abandoned. 

If a practicing Hindu with a Ph.D. in their field spoke on their subject, they are taken seriously.  Thought of as, “cultural” and “beautiful” and “intelligent.”  Even an atheist is viewed as “complex,” and “educated,” and “deep.”  These are actual definitions given by other students.  But if a practicing Christian with a Ph.D. in their field spoke, they lose credibility.  Why?

Some may argue, but this is personal experience.  This is learning some of the most intelligent, wise, and credible people I know who are practicing Christians do not acknowledge their faith for said stigma. 

Faith is complicated.  Faith is beautiful.  Faith is confusing.  Faith is offensive.  It requires dedication and devotion.  It is not weak.  It is alive.  It needs attention.  It needs nutrients.  It needs practice.  It needs community.  So how can something that is so alive and so captivating—requiring so much thought and investment—be considered ignorant? 

We should treat a person with a religious faith as a person with discipline and complexity, rather than lazy and ignorant.  This applies to all religions.

I want to emphasize “religious faith,” because many people think faith is something that we chose to have and place in God.  However, faith is not a choice.  Faith is inventible. 

This is true: every person has faith. 

You may say, “No, I don’t.  I don’t believe in a god. I don’t believe in religion.”

This is true: not believing in a god is faith. 

Why?  Because the very existence of humanity is a beautiful mystery to the brain.  One can answer those questions with God, or one can try to answer those questions without God. But the nonetheless, reality remains the same; we are here.

We will all experience love and death.  We will live.  We will suffer.  Whether we chose to believe in God or not, is faith.  The difference isn’t the existence of faith. No, the difference is the placement of faith.  Faith in a supernatural spiritual creator, or faith in this fading world. 

Faith in the existence of God or faith in the nonexistence of God.

The human being is the most amazing creature living.  We have mental abilities unknown, unpracticed, and unseen by any other creature.  Intellect is not associated with what religion or (lack of) you chose to affiliate with.  This is a call for change.  Let us view every soul as an intellectual being, capable of adapting and growing in environments of constant mental, physical, and emotional change.

                                                                                                                          

What Changed My Life

Future fulfillment doesn’t exist.  Future un-fulfillment doesn’t exist.

“If you want a breeze in your house, you have to open a window.  However, just because you open the window doesn’t mean the breeze will come. You can’t make the breeze come in your window.  You just allow it—but it may or may never come.”-Dr. Marty Heitz

Do you enjoy life?	I think.
Is this a hard question to answer?	Yes, because sometimes life doesn’t make sense, and it can suck.
Are you sick of these questions?	Yes. It feels “try-hard”.  Looks like you just learned how to make a table in a Computer Proficiency class…
Well, hold on, I’ve got one more…	Okay, but I’m already bored with this blog….
What do you hate doing?	Oh.  I hate going to work. I hate going to school. I hate being a mom at times. I hate being a husband at times. I hate cooking.  I hate chores. I hate working out. I hate ______.

The biggest lie the world ever told: “Your future matters.”  The fact is, the future and the past are chains.  For the sake of this blog, let’s call those chains “anxiety.”  Sounds fair enough?  See that line?

That's your past and your future. 

See this line? That's you. 

Well, don’t you just look stunning!  Trying that new Oreo and rice diet I’ve been talking about… I can tell.  Bad joke? Don’t answer that one. Let’s see something... Now see where you are in the line of past and future? Right in the middle.

That's called the present. 

The present is you here and now.  It is the only time where you can exist.  Still following?  You can’t exist in the past or future.  You’ll only ever be in the present.  And yet, what attention do we give the present?  Almost none.

We take pictures to relive the past.  We post those pictures so others can see our past.  We value ourselves on how people look at our past.  We rate others on their pasts.  We spend around 210 minutes a week looking at pasts. Meanwhile, the present is still a perfectly wrapped gift.  And that’s just one distraction.

So what’ the real issue? Social media? I would definitely say it doesn’t help, but I’m not here arguing our society’s addiction to social media or the time spent of a phone (I’m guilty of that, too!) 

The real issue is recognizing: YOU ONLY EXIST (ON EARTH) NOW.

You don’t like your third hour class. You’re tired. You don’t care about how to write a synthesis essay.  You’re looking at your watch. You’re looking out the window.  You’re making a whale out of your gum and telling your classmate next you it’s not gum, "it’s mint scented silly putty."  You think this is waste of time.  And you know what?  You just made it that.  It has now become a waste of time.  You have stopped fighting and given into the lie that where you are isn’t where you should be.  That’s a very dangerous mentality.  It causes two things: a false sense of anxiety and disappointment. 

Why is it false?  Because it doesn’t actually exist, but we let it bother our minds like it does.  You’re anxious to get out of a situation you ultimately can’t: the present.  You’re anxious about your future and what you would be doing and what you could be doing and what you should be doing. But the reality is: the future doesn’t exist. The past doesn’t exist.  Now does.  Something could have existed at one point in the past.  Something could happen at one point in the future.  But they are all nonexistent now.  What is happening in the moment right NOW! and NOW! and NOW! Now is the only thing that exists. That’s why it’s a false sense of anxiety and disappointment.  There’s really no such thing as future disappointment or satisfaction, because the past and the future doesn’t exist. Only the present is real.

That’s a humbling thing to be told.  It really challenges you to think more about how you spend your time.  Right?  I mean you have this moment right now.  You’ve heard it before, “tomorrow is not promised.”   What are you going to do with it?

Now, lets look at disappointment.  We are a culture that gets very disappointed easily (and sometimes this can result in depression).  Our western paradigm says: think about how we can improve and get better.  Not only do we stress what’s going to happen in the non-existent future, but we always want it to get better and better and better and… yep, better.  “The future has to give us more than what we have now.  That’s the whole point of the future.” 

When does life actually go the way we want it to?

That’s a stupid thing to think. The future doesn’t even have to exist.  The future is under God's domain.  The future doesn’t have to do anything we want it to.  And when does it ever actually go the way we want it to?  Never.  Think about where you are right now.  Are you actually where you thought you’d be?  Are things actually better?  I’m not saying your crazy hard struggle right now won’t eventually go away.  You can pray and have hope that it does—and it might!  But let’s exhaust all options.  At best, your problem will go away temporarily and then what?  Yep, another struggle emerges.  Future satisfaction does not exist.  At worst, your problem never goes away and then what?  You’re miserable the rest of your life? No.  If future satisfaction doesn’t exist, then neither does future disappointment.  The future isn’t real, yet.  But now is.  How will you act now?  With a struggle and without a struggle?  That’s the ultimate mentality we should be striving to have.  No matter what happened in past, or what happens the future (whether good or bad) we are to hold a joy that doesn’t waiver. 

My friend said, “I don’t want to go through a hard time in life and look back and think I lived that entire period of my life with an angry and depressed attitude.  I would be miserable for that part of my life, and no matter how hard that struggle was, it’s not worth taking away that precious time.”

I agree.  Your attitude in the present is critical. Do you want to waste your time angry and bitter?  If you know my story, you know I’ve experienced some pain.  I will probably experience more in the future.  But both my past and present don’t exist.  My now does.  What my friend said is true.  I want to live joyous and content (never complacent) in my life right now.  I want to be grounded in something far greater than me.  But here’s the trick!   Let’s say I didn’t do a good job, and I did get bitter or angry, the same mentality would say:  I won’t look back and get upset I handled it that way.  That’s just a cycle.  It’s the past.  I will move on. I will ask those I’ve hurt for forgiveness. And I won’t focus on the future.  But I will live right now. 

Do you want to waste time being bitter and angry? 

I do believing in dreaming big. I’m a dreamer.  What matters is where I put my value.  What I’m attached to.

Attachment is composed of two things: identification and investment. 

In Asian philosophy we’ve been studying this concept in depth.  My professor brought up a thought experiment that caught me off guard and changed my life.

He brought up the idea of a voodoo doll.  He said the basic practice is to put a piece of hair or clothing of a person on a doll that represented that person.  The goal is to hurt the person by hurting the doll.  They would feel pain in the exact areas the doll was poked with a needle. 

I’m not going to go into the voodoo practice, but my professor mentioned how today our attachments can have the same effect on us as a voodoo doll being poked. 

Let me explain.

Imagine the thing you’re attached to the most (car, style, talents, phone, house, job).  Now imagine those things getting damaged.  Your car being keyed.

How do you feel?  You’re hurt, right?  You’re mad.  You’re sad. You’re offended.  But the person didn’t key you. The person didn’t damage you.  So why are you hurt?  Like a voodoo doll, the damage wasn’t done directly to you, but to an object physically separate from you.

“But Chloé, you don’t understand.  That car wasn’t just a car.  I paid for it with my own money.  I drove across country in it. I worked hard for it.  It’s more than just a car.  There are so many memories in it.  It was my first car.  It was my last car. It was the car I was going to give to….”

Attachment.

So how does all this fit together?  When you are attached to something that doesn’t exist (in other words: you find your identity and you invest in the past and/or the future that do not exist) you will never really be satisfied.  You’ll be anxious about something that has already happened, or something that hasn’t happened.  And that is a distraction.  A distraction from the present.  Be faithful where you are.  It’s a loaded statement.  It takes a lot of unraveling and searching. We’re human. I know I’m attached to things that distract me.  However, the realization of this attachment is the first step. I can catch myself and ask for accountability.  Now “be slow to anger” is a lot more attainable.  I can’t be disappointed in life, because being disappointed in my life is like being disappointed in what you can’t change—foolish.  If you’re disappointed in where you are, check what you’re attached to.  Jesus broke the chains for all of us.  The freedom from anxiety and disappointment He called, “the kingdom of heaven.”  Which, we all have access through Him.  He’s the only thing I want to be attached to.  And since He is love, that’s pretty crazy to think about.  We’re not attached to a God who loves (action) but who is actually love (being).   And that can never lead a disappointing life—sad, hard, painful, beautiful, messy, awesome, crazy—but never disappointing.

Never.
Disappointing.